Brain Smasher…A Love Story (1993)

BRAIN SMASHER… A LOVE STORY (1993)
Article 3030 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-24-2009
Posting Date: 11-30-2009
Directed by Albert Pyun
Featuring Andrew Dice Clay, Teri Hatcher, Yuji Okumoto
Country: USA

A bouncer known as Brain Smasher helps a supermodel who is being chased by masked Chinese martial artists who are trying to get their hands on a magic flower that will give them Ultimate Power.

Andrew Dice Clay was a comedian from the late eighties/early nineties. I never saw his act, though I highly doubt it would have appealed to me, so I can’t compare how well this action comedy captures his style. I will say this much though; most of the humor in this movie revolves around three things; first, the hero is called Brain Smasher because he beats people up; second, everybody finds the story of flower-seeking masked Chinese martial artists loose in Portland, Oregon hard to believe, and thirdly, the Chinese martial artists take exception to being called ninjas. This covers about ninety percent of the humor in the movie, and if you’re doubled over in laughter, you’ll probably like this one just fine. If, like me, you’re still waiting to feel the urge to giggle, you’d be better off enjoying it as an action movie, in which case it’s just dumb silliness and tired cliches. The fantastic content is the magic flower, and though it’s tempting to call it a Gizmo Maguffin, it’s not really a gizmo, so let’s call it a Floral Maguffin. I wouldn’t wait to find out what Ultimate Power it wields; the movie never delivers on that concept, so the fantastic content is truly questionable. Let’s face it; there’s just not much here worth paying attention to.

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Lady Possessed (1952)

LADY POSSESSED (1952)
Article 3029 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-23-2009
Posting Date: 11-29-2009
Directed by William Spier
Featuring James Mason, June Havoc, Stephen Dunne
Country: USA

A pianist takes his ailing wife out of a London hospital at the same time that another female patient there has suffered a miscarriage. Afterwards, the second woman feels empty and withdrawn, and, thinking that getting her away from London will help, her husband takes her to live at a country estate, which turns out to be the former residence of the pianist who left after his wife died. The woman begins to get visions of the wife and her final days; is she becoming possessed by the dead wife of the pianist?

James Mason not only starred in this one, but he produced it and wrote the screenplay. It’s interesting in some ways, but uneven and not really satisfying in the final analysis. Part of the problem is that it seems rather muddled; it’s really hard to say whether what is happening is supernatural or psychological, and the movie doesn’t really make that ambiguity compelling. It does give Mason some good dramatic moments, especially at the climax when he plays the piano with the words of his dead wife’s last letter running through his head. Ultimately, though, it’s hard to feel anything about most of the other characters, and this drags the movie down. Still, this one has been sitting on my list for quite a while, and I thought it might be destined to go on my “ones that got away” list; I’m glad to have had a chance to see it.

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The People Who Own the Dark (1976)

THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THE DARK (1976)
aka Ultimo deseo
Article 3028 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-22-2009
Posting Date: 11-28-2009
Directed by Leon Klimovsky
Featuring Nadiuska, Alberto de Mendoza, Tony Kendall
Country: Spain

A group of devotees of the Marquis de Sade are underground when atomic explosions rip through the country. They emerge to discover that they are the only ones with sight left, and they fight for their lives among increasingly hostile blind villagers.

Save for a couple of hints of the story to come, the first twenty minutes of this movie makes it look like it’s warming up to an exploitation-style horror movie. Then, once the bombs go off, it shifts to a survivors-of-the-apocalypse plot. A visit to the nearby village and an encounter with the blind villagers makes it look like a variation on THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS. Then, after some unfortunate murders, the angry blind villagers go on a rampage and the movie becomes a very strange version of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. The shear oddness of the concept is enough to hold your interest, and the cast (which also includes Paul Naschy, Maria Perschy and Teresa Gimpera) also helps things along. However, once your mind kicks in, you’ll see a lot of absurdity and silliness to the events. Why do the atomic blasts only blind the villagers with no other side effects? Why does the one survivor think he’s a dog? Why does another survivor knife a gun-toting blind man when he and the other five sighted people can easily take the gun from him? Why, when their very day-to-day survival is at stake, do the villagers decide to storm the home of the survivors for the sole purpose of terrorizing them and killing them? The more you think about, the more ridiculous the whole movie seems. Still, if you want to see the only movie that combines the talent of screenwriter Vicente Aranda and horror actor Paul Naschy, this is it.

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Passport to Hell (1965)

PASSPORT TO HELL (1965)
aka Agente 3S3: Passaporto per l’inferno
Article 3027 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-21-2009
Posting Date: 11-27-2009
Directed by Sergio Sollima
Featuring George Ardisson, Barbara Simon, Georges Riviere
Country: Italy / France / Spain

A CIA agent is sent on a mission to investigate a criminal organization that is responsible for another agent’s death. He is searching for a former secret agent now known as Mr. A, and his only clue to his location is Mr. A’s daughter.

This is another example of the spyghetti genre, those Italian spy movies that followed in the wake of the success of the James Bond movies. This one is solid if unspectacular; the story is straightforward and the action sequences are okay. The music is pretty strange on occasion; I’d love to know the name of that freaky novelty record that plays on the jukebox during the bar brawl. The fantastic content is limited to a small handful of gadgets; all in all, this is one of the less parodistic examples of the genre. It would spawn one sequel before the character was retired. It’s not great, but enjoyable enough.

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100 Cries of Terror (1965)

100 CRIES OF TERROR (1965)
aka Cien gritos de terror
Article 3026 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-20-2009
Posting Date: 11-26-2009
Directed by Ramon Obon
Featuring Ariadno Welter, Joaquin Cordero, Ofelia Montesco
Country: Mexico

Two tales of terror are presented. In the first, a woman with a weak heart moves into a new house with her husband, but rumors persist that the place is haunted. In the second, a man is trapped in a crypt and rescues a woman who has been buried alive. Together they must face a long night of terror.

This is a strange one. The first story comes off initially like a GASLIGHT variant, but it dispenses with that story arc so quickly that it doesn’t allow it to become tiresome. It’s rather fun to second guess this one, because each new twist the movie leads into a new albeit familiar direction; the biggest surprise comes at the end when an event that had been set up earlier in the movie DOESN’T happen, and you’re left wondering if it’s bad plotting or if you’ve been faked out. The second one is a real humdinger; it starts out in premature burial territory, but never quite goes the way you think it will, and ends it all with a twist that shouldn’t work but does, if for no other reason than it allows you to reject it. Still, this one is a bit trying on occasion; between the endless bizarre philosophizing and the hysteria there’s a number of opportunities to get bored and/or annoyed. Nevertheless, this one sticks with you, and the weird montage scenes add to the unsettlement. I suspect K. Gordon Murray’s dubbing doesn’t help this movie put its best foot forward, and I’ve never warmed up to jazz soundtracks in horror movies, but this one is worth a look; like many of the great Mexican horror movies, it never walks the straight and obvious path.

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The Omegans (1968)

THE OMEGANS (1968)
Article 3025 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-19-2009
Posting Date: 11-25-2009
Directed by W. Lee Wilder
Featuring Keith Larsen, Ingrid Pitt, Lucien Pan
Country: USA / Philippines

An artist discovers that his wife is having an affair with an adventurer. When he discovers that the water from the area where they took an expedition is radioactive and destroys those who bathe in it and drink it, he comes up with an insidious idea for his revenge.

Here’s a good example of a bad story done badly. You have the premise up above. From the point where the premise is established, the movie simply follows a straight line to its conclusion, with no twists, no surprises, and little in the way of interest level. Furthermore, W. Lee Wilder remains one of the least interesting directors to ever work in the genre; the scenes are all static and poorly staged, the energy in non-existent, and the whole production is thoroughly uninspired. The Omegans of the title refer to the tribe that lives near the water in question, but they barely play a role in the story, which is more concerned with its standard triangle plot. This one is truly a waste of time.

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Night Warning (1983)

NIGHT WARNING (1983)
aka Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker
Article 3024 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-18-2009
Posting Date: 11-24-2009
Directed by William Asher
Featuring Jimmy McNichol, Susan Tyrrell, Bo Svenson
Country: USA

When his parents die in a freak car accident, a boy is raised by his aunt to the age of seventeen. Unfortunately, the aunt is demented, and when she murders a TV repairman who rejects her sexual advances, a homophobic policeman believes the boy is responsible for the murder. To complicate things, the aunt begins scheming of a way to keep the boy from leaving home for college…

I went into this one expecting the usual slasher film, but it really belongs to an earlier era when the psychos were given real motivations and weren’t just supernatural killing machines. The movie has two big pluses. One is that Susan Tyrrell is fascinating as one of the most seriously twisted psychos in screen history, and her character gets worse and worse as the movie proceeds. Also, the surrounding story is much better than usual, with the focus on an investigation of the murder that is itself twisted by one man’s homophobia; Bo Svenson’s bullying character is truly repellent. The movie does falter a bit in the latter half, and I was really disappointed when the movie started falling back on certain slasher movie cliches that don’t really belong here. Nevertheless, the movie is very good, and it’s nice to see a movie that handles the theme of homophobia and features a sympathetic non-stereotyped gay character.

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The Miracle (1959)

THE MIRACLE (1959)
Article 3023 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-17-2009
Posting Date: 11-23-2009
Directed by Irving Rapper and Gordon Douglas
Featuring Carroll Baker, Roger Moore, Walter Slezak
Country: USA

During the Napoleonic wars, a novitiate in a Spanish convent falls in love with an English soldier. She prays to a statue of the Madonna for a miracle, and when none is given, she tears off her nun’s outfit, leaves the convent, turns against Christianity, and seeks her soldier. The statue comes to life, puts on the nun’s outfit, and replaces the novitiate at the convent, while the ex-novitiate learns the price of turning against God.

Truth be told, I was expecting another one of those miracle movies akin to THE MIRACLE OF OUR LADY OF FATIMA, but that’s hardly what this is like; they openly claim the story is a legend from the beginning, and it’s more like a long Catholic-themed soap opera than anything else. It’s overwrought and very Hollywoodish; it’s one of those movie where all the nuns wear immaculate makeup and every random group of singing soldiers, peasants, or nuns sounds like they’ve had years of musical training. In particular, the symbolism is so blatantly obvious that it verges on camp (twice the heroine ends up literally with the blood of her lovers on her hands). The acting from the leads isn’t particularly good, and Walter Slezak’s role is a little too silly, but the movie is stolen by Torin Thatcher in a cameo as Wellington; he brings an authority to his role that is sorely missing from the rest of the movie. Before it’s all through we get gypsy passion, bullfighting, Spanish dancing, the battle of Waterloo, a second miracle, and guilt-tripping galore. It’s a little to silly to have real impact, but it is entertainingly watchable for all that, if a bit too long.

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Lady Dracula (1978)

LADY DRACULA (1978)
Article 3022 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-16-2009
Posting Date: 11-22-2009
Directed by Franz Josef Gottlieb
Featuirng Evelyne Kraft, Brad Harris, Theo Lingen
Country: West Germany

A former female victim of Dracula is revived in modern times. A policeman investigates the resulting vampire killings, unaware that his new girlfriend is the Lady Dracula.

Here we have, as a follow-up to OLD DRACULA, another comic take on the Dracula legend. Unfortunately, this one is in German, and the subtitles appear to be in Dutch, so my hopes of following the story are gone. Still, if the movie’s 3.6 rating on IMDB is any indication, it’s only a hair better than yesterday’s movie (which came in at 3.0). There’s some comic bits with undertakers, costume parties, midgets and blood banks. The story is by Brad Harris, who appeared in several sword-and-sandal movies as well as the Kommissar X series; he also plays the policeman in charge of the investigation, whose boss has one of the silliest widow’s peaks I’ve seen in a movie. The movie also features the last performance of Stephen Boyd, who appears as Dracula at the beginning of the movie. Only a handful of the gags are visual; the ones with the undertakers look somewhat amusing. Still, until I see an English language version, I’m going to reserve judgment.

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Old Dracula (1974)

OLD DRACULA (1974)
aka Vampira
Article 3021 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-15-2009
Posting Date: 11-21-2009
Directed by Clive Donner
Featuring David Niven, Teresa Graves, Peter Bayliss
Country: UK

Dracula has begun allowing tours of his castle, which gives him a fresh supply of blood as well as the opportunity to find a rare blood type that will revive his wife, Vampira. He does find the right blood type, but when his wife is revived, she also turns black. He then goes to England to find the donor of the original blood in the hopes that he can change her back.

I was aware that the movie had undergone a title change from VAMPIRA to cash in on the success of YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, so I didn’t go in expecting that this comedy was going to attempt to emulate that one in any way; I planned to review it on its own terms. Still it’s a fairly weak comedy. The cast is game enough; all three leads put their best feet forward to make a go of it, and each one adds a little flavor to the mix. What fails them is the script; despite a couple of cute ideas here and there, it’s painfully short on laughs, and the story gets less and less interesting as it goes on. It all builds up to a twist that is a) obvious once you see the setup, and b) awful when you see the final make-up job. I’d like to see some of these touches in a better movie; I like the idea that a vampire has varying amounts of control over his victims depending on how long he bites them, and that if he keeps the time short, the victim doesn’t become a vampire. I can’t really say I was disappointed by the movie, as it was actually a little better than I expected, which wasn’t much. Teresa Graves would go on to the role of Christie Love, and then left acting shortly afterward.

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