VIDEO WARS (1983)
Article 5175 by Dave Sindelar
Directed by Mario Giampaolo
Featuring George Diamond, Dennis Warren, Maria Anna
What it is: …
A supervillain uses video games to take over the world and blackmail the countries. Superspy Scattergood is sent to the supervillain’s home nation to defeat his plan.
If you’re lucky, this review will be the only evidence you ever encounter that even acknowledges this movie exists. I’m not even sure it does myself. I do vaguely recall something that resembles a low-budget parody of a superspy film, and I remember one vaguely amusing line that made me think of smiling. I also recall some stunt men doing a halfway decent job of falling out of snowmobiles. I also recall a few snatches of cheesy soundtrack music (much of it sounding like it comes from video games) that somehow get repeated ad infinitum. But ninety percent of this movie is a black hole of footage that does nothing, goes nowhere, serves no purpose, and sucks the life out of everything with which it comes into contact. I hesitate to mention that it has lots of beautiful women, but don’t let that fool you; it doesn’t make the experience any less soul-sucking than it is. This movie is extremely obscure, and if we all work together as a team, I can only hope that it can remain that way and ultimately suck itself into its own black hole and vanish. In fact, I’m not even sure this review exists….