Who Done It? (1956)

WHO DONE IT? (1956)
Article 3090 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-1-2009
Posting Date: 1-29-2010
Directed by Basil Dearden
Featuring Benny Hill, Belinda Lee, David Kossoff
Country: UK
What it is: Private detective comedy with a surprisingly large amount of fantastic content

After winning a contest in a detective magazine, a former ice show janitor decides to become a private detective. When he mistakenly gets engaged on a case investigating an unfaithful husband, he stumbles across a group of spies attempting to send the secrets of a weather-creating machine to their country.

I’m familiar enough with the work of Benny Hill to have had an idea in advance of what this movie would be like; it’s a standard albeit energetic slapstick comedy, minus the somewhat risque humor that was the earmark of his TV work. It does manage to keep the energy level fairly high, and the gags are consistently creative enough to hold your attention throughout, though it never quite achieves the non-stop hilarity that it aspires to. There’s actually quite a bit of fantastic content here; we have the aforementioned weather machine which is used during one point of the proceedings, the mythical country of Euralia, the woman with super-strength, and a sequence at a radio show in which a number of new inventions are put on display. The movie also features the stunningly attractive Belinda Lee, whose career was sadly cut short by a car accident at the age of 26. Ernest Thesiger pops up as a scientist at the weather-machine demonstration, a sequence which also features Peter Bull. Charles Hawtrey also has an amusing cameo as a disc jockey. It’s not great, but it’s amusing enough.

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Morianerna (1965)

MORIANERNA (1965)
aka Morianna
Article 3089 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-31-2009
Posting Date: 1-28-2010
Directed by Anne Mattsson
Featuring Anders Henrikson, Eva Dahlbeck, Heinz Hopf
Country: Sweden
What it is: Swedish horror thriller…

A hated patriarch is murdered. His family are the immediate suspects. But is he really dead…?

Most of the above plot description is culled from one I found at several locations on the internet; it makes the movie sound something like an “old dark house” thriller. Since my own copy of this movie is in unsubtitled Swedish, I can’t verify too much of the plot, but things seem a little complex. The fantastic content is vague; the Willis guide mentions a killer appearing suddenly “like an avenging ghost”, and the Lee guide talks about the murders, a dead man mysteriously appearing in his favorite chair, and a phone call from Death. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to combine these hints into what seems to me like a coherent story, and, truth to tell, it may not be; with only a 5.0 rating on IMDB, there’s reason to believe the movie isn’t very good, and the one plot description I found said the movie was more memorable for the nude scenes than anything else. For me, the moments that stand out include a man’s unexpected appearance when I thought he had been killed, and a scene where a doll is burned at the stake. I found this one impenetrable, and must wait for an English version before I can make sense of it.

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The Slasher… is the Sex Maniac! (1972)

THE SLASHER… IS THE SEX MANIAC! (1972)
aka Rivelazioni di un maiaco sussuale al capo della squadra mobile
Article 3088 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-30-2009
Posting Date: 1-27-2010
Directed by Roberto Bianchi Montero
Featuring Farley Granger, Sylva Koscina, Silvano Tranquilli
Country: Italy
What it is: giallo

An inspector tries to track down a serial killer who specializes in murdering unfaithful wives among the upper classes.

For the most part, this is a relatively uninspired giallo; it’s flatly directed, it’s a cinch to spot the real killer and the obvious red herring (once you spot one, you’ll spot the other), and the murder sequences aren’t impressive. The most interesting aspect during the first hour is the fact that, since the murders are taking place in the upper echelons of society, the inspector has to be careful whose toes he steps on during his investigation; this concept gives the movie a bit more depth and complexity than it might otherwise have had. However, the patient viewer will find that things pick up during the last half hour when the inspector sets a trap for the killer; the ensuing battle of wits is quite suspenseful, and we get some dark revelations about the inspector himself before it’s all over. In the final analysis, the movie is a mixed bag, but has its moments.

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Roseland (1970)

ROSELAND (1970)
Article 3087 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-29-2009
Posting Date: 1-26-2010
Directed by Fredric Hobbs
Featuring E. Kerrigan Prescott, Christopher Brooks, Victor Alter
Country: USA
What it is: Psychedelic pornographic musical fantasy art film

A singer’s life goes downhill when he is fired after singing a risque song on “The Ed Sullivan Show”, and he becomes a criminal known as “The Black Bandit” who steals pornography. He is caught and forced to go to a psychiatrist who feeds him LSD to help him dredge up his sexual fantasies; however, the psychiatrist throws him out when he can’t afford to pay. Can he find a job to pay his psychiatrist by working at a burlesque house, or will he need the help of Hieronymous Bosch?

The only other movie I’ve seen from director Fredric Hobbs is the freaky horror movie, ALABAMA’S GHOST. I didn’t think about it the time, but had I done so, I wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that he also had given the world a psychedelic pornographic fantasy musical art film. Well, I guess it’s my week to watch movies of other people’s sexual fantasies, but at least this one is redeemed somewhat by its sense of humor. John Stanley describes the movie as a “self-indulgent mish-mash” in one of his books, and I can see his point. The DVD blurb claims that Rolling Stone compared the movie favorably to the works of Fellini… and, believe it or not, I can see that as well; through all the self-indulgence, there is a legitimate surreal vision to this movie. And it has one of the oddest narrators this side of movies like PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and BLOOD FREAK. The more I see from this guy, the more I look forward to watching GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS, or of finding TROIKA, which has been on my hunt list for ages.

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The Return of the Man from U.N.C.L.E.: The Fifteen Years Later Affair (1983)

THE RETURN OF THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.: THE FIFTEEN YEARS LATER AFFAIR (1983)
TV-Movie
Article 3086 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-28-2009
Posting Date: 1-25-2010
Directed by Ray Austin
Featuring Robert Vaughn, David McCallum, Patrick Macnee
Country: USA
What it is: TV-Movie update of television spy series with science fiction touches

Napoleon Solo and Ilya Kuryakin are called out of retirement when a reunited THRUSH gets hold of an atomic bomb and holds the U.S. for ransom.

The advantage of a reunion-style version of an old TV show is that you have a ready-made audience of the show’s fans. The disadvantage is that those fans often have strong feelings and memories of what they liked about the show, and a reunion show of this variety runs the risk of not capturing the elements that were liked about the show. The biggest problem with this attempt was the absence of a key regular of the show; the passing of Leo G. Carroll meant that the character of Mr. Waverly, the head of U.N.C.L.E. had to be either recast or replaced. This movie chose the replacement route, and I like that they chose Patrick Macnee as the new boss, who had at least a certain familiarity to spy fans for playing Steed in “The Avengers”. I also liked the appearance of George Lazenby as “J.B.”, though I think the movie belabors this reference just a tad too much (and it would have been even cleverer had they gotten Roger Moore). Still, even outside of dealing with casting issues, there’s going to be the sense of whether the movie is true to the spirit of the original series, which may be a bit of an intangible. Given that this movie has a rating of 5.9 on IMDB, I get the sense that fans of the series were a bit lukewarm to this revival. Since I was not a big fan of the series and haven’t seen enough episodes to get a strong sense of what would be true to the series, I can’t really judge the movie in that regard. I thought the movie likable enough, but nothing special, and the story didn’t seem quite as clever as it should be. They also kept going on about the Anthony Zerbe character having been an old foe of some sort, but as far as I can tell, he did not appear in the original series; this left me with the sense that this was either intended as a pilot for a revived series, or the first of series of reunion movies for the Solo/Kuryakin team. At any rate, neither of these events happened. The aforementioned Zerbe does quite well, though Keenan Wynn is wasted in an undeveloped role. All in all, I found this one entertaining if unsensational.

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Black Magic Rites and the Secret Orgies of the Fourteenth Century (1973)

BLACK MAGIC RITES AND THE SECRET ORGIES OF THE FOURTEENTH CENTURY (1973)
aka Riti, magie nere e segrete orge nel trecento, The Reincarnation of Isabel
Article 3085 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-27-2009
Posting Date: 1-24-2010
Directed by Renato Polselli
Featuring Mickey Hargitay, Rita Calderoni, Raul Lovecchio
Country: Italy
What it is: One man’s overheated sexual fantasy with vampires, witches, possession and premature burial thrown into the mix

Many years ago, a witch had a stake driven through her heart and was lightly singed at the stake. Dracula became a vampire in order to reincarnate her. Many years later, a bunch of people move to a castle. Black masses are held. Things happen…

One of the subtitles near the end of the movie says “Don’t try to understand it.” They should have had that line at the beginning of the movie. I watched it in Italian with English subtitles, but if you have any hope of taking this movie seriously, you’d better watch it without subtitles; it will make no sense, of course, but then, it didn’t with the subtitles either. Scenes seem to occur at random, and writer/director Renato Polselli is addicted to editing; unfortunately, the more he edits, the sillier and more confused it becomes. The dialogue is often ludicrous, the special effects are mostly horrible; are those bats or hummingbirds that pop up sporadically throughout the movie? and couldn’t they find even one real snake for the snake pit sequence? The witch-burning sequence is also pretty bad; after stripping her naked, they place a stake with a heart on it on her chest (yes, I know the stake is supposed to have gone through her chest and that’s supposed to be her own heart, but that’s the level of the effects), and then light a fire that doesn’t seem to get within five feet of her body. The movie also contains the single most annoying actress I’ve seen in years, Stefania Fassio. Oh, and did I mention there’s lots of nudity?

If Ed Wood ever directed an Italian Eurotrash movie, this would be the result.

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The Phantom Tollbooth (1970)

THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH (1970)
Article 3084 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-26-2009
Posting Date: 1-23-2010
Directed by Chuck Jones, Abe Levitow and Dave Monahan
Featuring the voices of Butch Patrick, Mel Blanc, Daws Butler
Country: USA
What it is: Animated children’s story

A bored young boy travels into another world, and undertakes a mission to reunite a divided kingdom by rescuing the princesses of Rhyme and Reason.

Though three directors are listed, the primary director of this one is Chuck Jones, one of the true geniuses of animation. Still, it’s important when judging this work of his to keep several things in consideration.

1) The vast majority of his finest work consisted of movies that lasted about seven minutes long.

2) It was as an animator and a director that he excelled, not as a writer or a producer, and he works in those capacities on this film.

3) Since most of the theatrical animation studios had closed up by this point, he most likely didn’t have access to the same experienced team that he had with him during his Warner Brothers days. I wouldn’t be surprised if most of his help was from people who were specializing in the kind of limited animation that had become the mainstay of TV animation.

4) Two of his crucial associates at Warner Brothers (writer Michael Maltese and musical director Carl Stalling, both of whom contributed mightily to the quality of his shorts) are not involved with this production.

To his credit, he does garner a strong group of voices; Daws Butler, Hans Conried, June Foray, Shepard Menken and the wonderful Mel Blanc are on hand to lend their talents. And there are moments here and there where one can sense the hand of Chuck Jones at the helm. Still, the story is a disappointment; it’s something of an uninspired cross between “Alice in Wonderland” and “The Wizard of Oz” with some occasionally tiresome lapses into lesson-teaching. The songs are particularly weak, as well. It’s not awful, by any means, but it’s too sporadic in its good moments to be truly effective.

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Outer Touch (1979)

OUTER TOUCH (1979)
Article 3083 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-25-2009
Posting Date: 1-22-2010
Directed by Norman J. Warren
Featuring Barry Stokes, Tony Maiden, Glory Annen
Country: UK
What it is: Science fiction sex comedy

Three female aliens from outer space make an emergency landing on Earth, where they pick up four people. Not having seen men before, they are surprised to discover that three of the creatures have flat chests and strange appendages. However, they soon learn the purpose of the appendages…

This movie has three female space aliens. One is in charge of the ship, and wears black leather. One is an engineer and wears a low cut blouse. The third is a scientist and has an elaborate wardrobe. The four Earthlings include an engaged couple who aren’t having sex yet (he wants to and she doesn’t), a geeky student who likes porno magazines, and a would-be stud. There’s also a talking gay computer and a mechanical psychiatrist in the form of a Wurlitzer jukebox. By the end of the movie everyone’s had a chance to be naked, the three space aliens learn to enjoy some new experiences with the geeky student, the stud gets his comeuppance, and I’ll let you guess what happens with the engaged couple. As a comedy, I found it laughless; as a sex movie, it’s a matter of personal taste, and it depends on who is on the screen at the time (for those who are curious, I’m partial to Ava Cadell myself). Outside of that, the most interesting thing about this one is that it seems at least partially modeled off of DARK STAR; in particular, there is the concept of a computer constantly reporting on hardware malfunctions that are never addressed, and the end of the movie bears a certain similarity as well. Whether this movie is your cup of tea is up to you.

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The Invasion (1982)

THE INVASION (1982)
TV-Movie made from episodes of “The Starlost”
Article 3082 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-24-2009
Posting Date: 1-21-2010
Directed by George McCowan and Joseph L. Scanlon
Featuring Keir Dullea, Gay Rowan, Robin Ward
Country: Canada
What it is: Recycled “Starlost” episodes posing as a movie.

Three people attempting to save a space ark from being destroyed have adventures. In the first, one of them is injured and their only hope lies with a group of astro-medics who seem more concerned with helping a distressed alien spaceship. In the other, they encounter a culture aboard the ark in which people undergo brain implants to increase brain efficiency; in reality, the implants cause great pain and are under the control of an evil madman intent on taking over the colony.

Once again, I cover one of those rare movies that does not have a listing on IMDB, though the other “Starlost” TV-Movies are listed. This features the episodes of “Astro-Medics” and “The Implant People”. Personally, I love the central concept that underlies it, but this series is so badly done that it becomes depressing watching it when you think of what it could have been. Either one of these two episodes could have been interesting, but the bottom-of-the-barrel production values sink it at every step. The worst culprit is the writing; it’s talky, trite, corny, and amateurish. I had to laugh out loud at one comment in the trivia section of the series on IMDB, not because it’s so ridiculous but because it seems all too believable; the comment stated that it has long been a rumor that many of the episodes were actually written by Canadian high school students rather than the credited writers. At any rate, I’m not the least bit surprised that Harlan Ellison (who created the series) wished to have this series credited to his pseudonym, “Cordwainer Bird”, which he uses whenever he thinks his work has been unacceptably compromised.

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Hellhole (1985)

HELLHOLE (1985)
Article 3081 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-23-2009
Posting Date: 1-20-2010
Directed by Pierre De Moro
Featuring Ray Sharkey, Judy Landers, Marjoe Gortner
Country: USA
What it is: Women-in-Prison movie cleverly disguised as a Women-in-Loony-Bin movie with mad science thrown in for good measure.

Upon witnessing the murder of her mother, a young woman is injured trying to escape from the murderer and develops amnesia. She is placed in an asylum for recovery. However, the doctors in the asylum are engaged in horrible experiments, and the murderer (who has been hired to find out where incriminating papers have been hidden) takes on a job in the asylum so he can be there when the woman recovers her memory.

So, what have we learned from this movie?

1) What is the difference between a women-in-prison movie and a women-in-loony-bin movie? If this is an example, not a hell of a lot.

2) It’s easy to motivate any sort of behavior when most of your characters are crazy.

3) When most of your characters are crazy, you’re bound to have a number of nymphomaniacs in the batch as well.

4) Female nymphomaniacs + Lack of available men = Plenty of lesbian action.

5) Asylums have group showers. Might as well use them in the movie, then.

6) If you set your movie in an asylum, there are plenty of drugs around for characters to steal and use for recreational purposes.

7) If you have enough crazy and violent characters in your story, you don’t have to worry too much about the plot; just have everyone threaten and beat up everyone else.

8) I’ve never pondered the question as to who would prevail in a battle of wills between Marjoe Gortner and Mary Woronov, but if I had, I would have predicted exactly what happened here.

9) Robert Z’Dar is not a pretty man.

10) If you’re a mad scientist, it’s best to hide your failed experiments in the bottom section of the boiler room; inspectors just hate to go down there.

and an extra…

11) I don’t care if its an asylum or a prison; if there’s a place called Hellhole in the area, it’s not a good place to be.

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