STRYKER (1983)
Article 3109 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 12-1-2009
Posting Date: 1-17-2010
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
Featuring Steve Sandor, Andrea Savio, Mike Lane
Country: Philippines
What it is: ROAD WARRIOR clone

It’s after the apocalypse. Water is scarce. People fight over it. Carnage ensues.

In this future world, water is scarce. So is meaningful dialogue. However, there are some things that aren’t scarce: guns, bullets, leatherware, short-shorts, motor vehicles of all sizes, gasoline, rocks, short snatches of imperative dialogue (“Let’s Go!”, “Move!”, “Stop Them!”, etc.), hair stylists, makeup, dwarfs (there’s a whole tribe of them), hoary cliches, and, by the end of the movie, dead bodies. I found this movie on a collection called “Grindhouse Experience Volume 2”; that should tell you volumes.

Let’s face it; some movies aren’t meant to be reviewed. They’re meant to either be a) not watched, or b) watched and quickly forgotten. Let the memory clearing begin!

SHINBONE ALLEY (1971)
Article 3108 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-30-2009
Posting Date: 2-16-2010
Directed by John D. Wilson
Featuring the voices of Carol Channing, Eddie Bracken, Alan Reed
Country: USA
What it is: Offbeat animated musical drama

A poet is turned into a cockroach, so he can compose his poems only by hopping on the keys of a typewriter without the ability to use capital letters or punctuation. He tells of himself and his adventures in Shinbone Alley, and of his relationship to a female alley cat named Mehitabel.

When I was in grade school, I remember one of my teachers exposing me for a short time to the world of archy the poet cockroach, and though the exposure consisted little more than the basic backstory and the reading a few of the poems, for some reason the memory lingered. When I discovered that I was going to watch a movie that dealt with this character, I found myself musing over the concept, and wondering what the movie would be like; the very concept has a quirky charm to it. When I actually got the DVD and saw Carol Channing’s name on it as well as the words “Broadway musical”, I though I saw the quirkiness being shuffled off to the side to make room for a much more conventional style that wasn’t to my liking. I’m glad to say that my fears were unfounded.

Part of my problem initially was that I’d mostly encountered Channing in her bigger-than-life persona, and not as an actress; I am glad to find that in that latter capacity, she is excellent, and she really brings the character of Mehitabel, a fun-loving alley cat of questionable morals, to vivid life. In fact, the whole movie is a bit of a revelation; despite the somewhat bizarre concept, the adventures and emotions in this movie tap into real-life aspirations, tragedies, setbacks, disappointments, angers and dreams. When Archy tells about a moth’s desire to be burned, and then envies its wanting something so badly, it touches a nerve. Archy’s relationship with Mehitabel is definitely of the love/hate variety, and she has a nasty temper. Furthermore, the tomcats she becomes involved with (a no-good bum voiced by Alan Reed, and a scheming Shakespearean actor voiced by John Carradine) also add more depth to the story. Furthermore, the movie plays around with a number of animation styles during the songs, with a sequence that adopts the style of the old Krazy Kat comics (Krazy Kat creator George Herriman did many of the illustrations for the original archy and mehitabel books) in which an embittered Archy toys with organizing an insect revolution against the humans being particularly striking. The ads tried to pass it off as a movie for both kids and adults, but, truth to tell, I think kids will be bored stiff with this one; in fact, I think the lowly rating of 5.5 on this one on IMDB may be due to reactions from those expecting a children’s movie.

By the way, I do have to admire any movie which manages to combine the talents of Carol Channing, John Carradine, Fred Flintstone voice Alan Reed, and Mel Brooks, who co-wrote the original play. And, for the curious, John Carradine does sing, and even takes part in a beat-poetry rendition of the balcony scene from “Romeo and Juliet”.

THE SILENT SCREAM (1980)
Article 3106 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-24-2009
Posting Date: 2-14-2010
Directed by Denny Harris
Featuring Rebecca Balding, Cameron Mitchell, Avery Schreiber
Country: USA
What it is: PSYCHO variant

Four college students take rooms in a mansion on the edge of town, a place inhabited by a reclusive woman and her son. However, there’s a third resident in the mansion, and this one has a homicidal streak…

I have to admit being impressed by the cast, which includes Cameron Mitchell, Yvonne De Carlo, Avery Schreiber and Barbara Steele. If I were to pick acting honors from this group, it would definitely go to Steele, who gives the most mesmerizing performance here, but I would have to point out that none of the other three have really interesting roles. As stated above, it’s more of a PSYCHO variant than a slasher movie. It’s a mixed bag overall; it has some effectively creepy scenes, one memorable jump-out-of-your-seat moment, and, thanks to an interesting story structure, it builds up to a suspenseful conclusion. On the down side, it never really develops the important characters as much as it should, choosing rather to spend much of its running time with the antics of the teens in the movie; this is noticeable towards the end when we encounter twists and backstories that we’ve never been adequately prepared for. Still, it works just enough for it to be worth watching.

SATAN’S BLACK WEDDING (1975)
Article 3103 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-21-2009
Posting Date: 2-11-2010
Directed by Nick Millard
Featuring Greg Braddock, Ray Miles, Lisa Milano
Country: USA
What it is: Satanic vampire antics on an undernourished budget

An actor returns home when his sister commits suicide. What he doesn’t know is that his sister has become a vampire through a black ritual, and that she must kill the remaining members of her family…

These are the sloppiest vampires in cinema history; they can’t attack anyone without leaving a bloody mess. Of course, this might be due to the fact that they have the worst dental work in history, what with the intrusive over- and under-bites. Well, at a running time of only 61 minutes, the movie can’t be accused of overly wasting film stock, but the movie is best used for filling out the bottom of the bill at drive-ins. Still, the movie does exhibit a little no-budget charm, which helps a little bit with the plenitude of dead spots in the movie. It also shows how you can make a score from someone noodling on a piano.

SOLO UN ATAUD (1969)
aka El enigma del ataud, Only a Coffin, The Orgies of Dr. Orloff
Article 3101 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-19-2009
Posting Date: 2-9-2010
Directed by Santos Alcocer
Featuring Howard Vernon, Maria Saavedra, Adolfo Arles
Country: Spain / France
What it is: Your basic “old dark castle” story

Doctor Orlof invites his relatives to his castle with the intent of murdering them. When he himself is found murdered, the relatives have to find who the killer is… or they may be next!

There were seven Dr. Orloff movies in all; all but two of them were directed by Jesus Franco, and the fifth (ORLOFF AGAINST THE INVISIBLE MAN) even feels like a Franco movie. This, the fourth, does not feel like a Franco movie. Nor does it feel like an Orloff movie. Nor, for that fact, does it feel much like anything but a tired retread of an overused theme. Granted, that statement should be taken with a grain of salt, seeing as how I’ve only seen this movie in unsubtitled Spanish. It’s interesting to compare the two English titles to this one; though THE ORGIES OF DR. ORLOFF probably brought in more people, I’d assume that those who saw it under the title ONLY A COFFIN would have liked it better; after all, that title doesn’t promise much, and the movie delivers no more than the title promises. Those expecting orgies should be warned that the movie would have been better titled THE GABFEST OF DR. ORLOFF, and Dr. Orloff himself, Howard Vernon, barely appears in it. In fact, if the user ratings on IMDB are any indication, this is the least of the series. Certainly, nothing happened that made me eager to hunt up a dubbed or subtitled copy of this one.

THE SLASHER… IS THE SEX MANIAC! (1972)
aka Rivelazioni di un maiaco sussuale al capo della squadra mobile
Article 3088 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-30-2009
Posting Date: 1-27-2010
Directed by Roberto Bianchi Montero
Featuring Farley Granger, Sylva Koscina, Silvano Tranquilli
Country: Italy
What it is: giallo

An inspector tries to track down a serial killer who specializes in murdering unfaithful wives among the upper classes.

For the most part, this is a relatively uninspired giallo; it’s flatly directed, it’s a cinch to spot the real killer and the obvious red herring (once you spot one, you’ll spot the other), and the murder sequences aren’t impressive. The most interesting aspect during the first hour is the fact that, since the murders are taking place in the upper echelons of society, the inspector has to be careful whose toes he steps on during his investigation; this concept gives the movie a bit more depth and complexity than it might otherwise have had. However, the patient viewer will find that things pick up during the last half hour when the inspector sets a trap for the killer; the ensuing battle of wits is quite suspenseful, and we get some dark revelations about the inspector himself before it’s all over. In the final analysis, the movie is a mixed bag, but has its moments.

SWEENEY TODD (1970)
TV-Movie/Episode of “Mystery and Imagination”
Article 3077 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-14-2009
Posting Date: 1-16-2010
Directed by Robert Collin
Featuring Freddie Jones, Heather Canning, Leon Collins
Country: UK
What it is: TV-Movie adaptation of famous horror story… but with a twist

Sweeney Todd murders a customer for a string of pearls which he hopes will win the heart of the woman he loves. However, when he is spurned and forced to sell the pearls for money, he begins a descent into real madness.

This was an episode of a British TV-Series called “Mystery and Imagination”, but at 75 minutes, it qualifies as a movie, hence its inclusion here. The story is familiar enough, but this movie has a real twist to it, which I won’t give away here because it’s one of the great surprises of this version. Suffice it to say that you spend almost the entire running time of this movie trapped in the mind of Sweeney Todd himself, a mind given to sudden leaps in time and breaks in continuity. After a while, you’re not sure what is real and what isn’t, and it is this ambiguity that makes the movie work. Kudos must go to Freddie Jones, whose performance in the title role is profoundly disturbing; the rest of the cast also does quite well. It’s really rare when such a familiar story can be handled in a truly unique and interesting way, and this one succeeds very well.

SHADOW OF EVIL (1964)
aka Banco a Bangkok pour OSS 117
Article 3069 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-2-2009
Posting Date: 1-8-2009
Directed by Andre Hunebelle
Featuring Kerwin Mathews, Robert Hossein, Pier Angeli
Country: France / Italy
What it is: Spyghetti

A secret agent is sent to Thailand to investigate outbreaks of plague which are tied to the distribution of a certain type of inoculation.

This isn’t a particularly good example of the Spyghetti genre, but I find it does have a certain bare-bones charm about it. For once, the movie is crystal clear and easy to follow, largely because it avoids the distractions that can often overwhelm the plot in the usual James Bond vehicle. In some ways, the story here could be used as a template for this sort of movie; change a few details, add some spice and pizzazz, and you’d have your typical James Bond movie. As I mentioned before, it’s really not that good, though; some of the fight scenes in particular come off as weak. Still, it has its moments; my favorite involves the villain releasing hundreds of rats in a bid to make his getaway.

SHADOW ON THE LAND (1968)
TV-Movie
Article 3062 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 9-25-2009
Posting Date: 1-1-2010
Directed by Richard C. Sarafian
Featuring Jackie Cooper, John Forsythe, Gene Hackman
Country: USA
What it is: Alternate universe United-States-under-dictatorship thriller

In an alternative universe, the United States is under the control of a dictator who uses a special band of law enforcers known as the ISF to control the people. A resistance group known as the Society of Man has arisen to overthrow the dictatorship. In this story, an army general is taken into custody by the ISF, but the resistance group breaks him out of a concentration camp to discover what he knows. The IFS places Major Shepherd McCloud in charge of finding the general, unaware that the Major is a double agent for the Society of Man.

Usually, ideas like this are the stuff of exploitation; I’m thinking of movies like STRANGE HOLIDAY and RED NIGHTMARE. This one tries a different tack; it’s more of an espionage thriller in which the resistance group pits itself against the law enforcers. It’s interesting, but not entirely convincing, and, as a stand-alone movie, it’s rather unsatisfying in the final analysis. But that’s the point; it isn’t really a stand-alone movie, but another pilot for an unsold TV series. I actually was a bit surprised by this discovery (not that the pilot didn’t sell, mind you, but that it was intended as a pilot), because it just didn’t seem like it was an idea that had a real chance of becoming a regular series; I think there would have been a great deal of ambivalence in people’s minds about the concept. Still, as I said, it was interesting; there are odd bits of engaging dialogue, and Gene Hackman is memorable as a priest who must decide on which side he will fight. At any rate, this is one of the odder TV-Movies out there.

SUPERVAN (1977)
Article 3057 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 9-20-2009
Posting Date: 12-27-2009
Directed by Lamar Card
Featuring Mark Schneider, Katie Saylor, Morgan Woodward
Country: USA
What it is: Lowbrow van worship movie with science fiction touches

A man takes a solar-powered supervan that shoots laser beams to a van “freakout”, where he hopes to win the $5000 prize.

This movie features –

1) endless CB chatter

2) nonstop songs about vans

3) a wet t-shirt contest with Charles Bukowski

4) a cop-in-an-outhouse scene

5) lots of car-wrecks

6) a sex-with-whipped-cream scene that is sent out over the airwaves

7) a van-hopping preacher’s wife

8) lots and lots of van convoys and van design footage

9) Len Lesser as a cop

10) motorcycle-driving rapists.

I think there’s also a plot in there somewhere, but I can’t be sure. Is it good? I’m not even sure it really exists. I’ll just say this much; a) it’s designed for people who think SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT was elitist and too arty, and b) it was filmed in Kansas City, Missouri, which is only four hours away, and that’s too close for comfort.