Night Train to Terror (1985)
Article 5947 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 3-8-2021
Directed by John Carr, Phillip Marshak, Tom McGowan, Jay Schlossberg-Cohen, Gregg C. Tallas
Featuring John Philip Law, Richard Moll, Cameron Mitchell
Country: USA
What it is: Anthology of recycling

While a rock band plays in another car of a train, God and Satan discuss the fates of three women.

I was about half-way through watching the first of the three stories in this anthology film when the light bulb clicked on in my head. What I was watching was not, in fact, footage made specifically for this movie, but rather, an entirely different movie which had been sliced to ribbons and re-edited to maximize the number of exploitable scenes; all the violence, nudity and gore, as little of the plot as possible. It’s an incoherent mess that you only begin to sort out when the narrator shows up and clues you in. The second story is more of the same only with bigger chunks of film and no real ending. The third fares a bit better because it only seems to be missing half its footage than the three-quarters the other two sections are missing; still, the special effects are subpar, especially during the stop-motion animated segments. The movie’s own footage consists of dull conversations between God and Satan along with scenes of a rock band doing a song called “Everybody but You”. According to the credits the band does three songs; I wonder where the other two went. At any rate, the song has a subtext; it can be taken to mean that everybody else is out there watching a movie somewhere, so why don’t you sit down and watch this one? Sure, it says it’s about dancing, but I know a subtext when I hear one. For all that, this movie isn’t quite as godawful as it could have been. That’s still no recommendation as to why you should watch this one.

Night of the Creeps (1986)
Article 5946 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-25-2021
Directed by Fred Dekker
Featuring Jason Lively, Tom Atkins, Steve Marshall
Country: USA
What it is: Not bad hodgepodge

The attempted theft of a frozen corpse for a fraternity gag unleashes a horror that began 27 years earlier when a alien capsule crash-landed on Earth.

This horror comedy borrows and references any number of other horror / sci-fi films. It’s a variant of the zombie movie genre with touches of ALIEN (among others) surrounded by a teen comedy. In description it sounds pretty bad, but its touches are actually rather fun. I like the fact that many of the characters have last names of famous horror directors. I also like the references to PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and the fact that Dick Miller shows up playing a character named Walter (you supply the last name). There’s even one borderline annoying character whose final speech is unexpectedly and effectively poignant. It’s quite bloody, but it manages to have a decent heart at its center, so I give this one a pass.

The Night Before Christmas (1946)
Article 5945 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-20-2021
Director unknown
Cast unknown
Country: USA
What it is: the poem brought to life

A narrator recites the poem “The Night Before Christmas”, and we see a reenactment of the events in the poem.

Here’s another short from Castle Films, and I suspect this may be a repackaging of a short from somewhere else, but I can’t say for sure. Despite the fact that I have this one on a cartoon collection, only about three scenes are animated; these are scenes of Santa flying through the air with his reindeer and of visions of sugarplums dancing in children’s heads. The rest is live-action. There’s not really much to say about this one; there’s really not much here to augment the poem and there are no surprises. It unfolds much like it probably plays in your head when you hear the poem. Nowadays, the verse about the pipe would be cut.

Near Dark (1987)
Article 5944 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-17-2021
Directed by Kathryn Bigelow
Featuring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen
Country: USA
What it is: Vampire variant

A young man picks up a girl who turns out to be a vampire. After being bitten by her, he is kidnapped by a gang of vampires who are traveling around the country on a murder spree. If the new member wants to survive in their midst, he must learn to kill…

Here’s an interesting variant on the vampire theme. Outside of being killed by the rays of the sun, traditional vampire mythology is set aside, and the movie plays more like a moody rural action thriller than a horror film. There’s an interesting assortment of characters among the gang, with Bill Paxton memorable as the craziest and most violent of the vampires. Still, taken as a whole, the movie doesn’t quite work for me; certain plot elements seem a bit too convenient, and there’s something about the ways the characters interact that feels a little unconvincing. Nevertheless, it has some truly memorable images, my favorite being that of the hero’s smoky body stumbling through a field.

Naughty But Mice (1947)
Article 5943 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-16-2021
Directed by Seymour Kneitel and Dave Tendlar
Featuring the voices of Jack Mercer, Carl Meyer, Sid Raymond
Country: USA
What it is: Herman the Mouse cartoon

Herman the Mouse comes from the city to visit his country friends only to discover they’re being terrorized by a champion mousing cat. Herman sets out to solve their problem.

I almost walked away from this cartoon without giving it a review when it suddenly struck me; the final gag involves several ghosts appearing. I might still have skipped it (after all, they only appear in the final gag), but actually decided I wanted to write a review anyway. I’ve seen several Herman the Mouse cartoons already and haven’t been impressed by them, but I actually thought this one was pretty good; the story makes good use of Herman’s cockiness by giving him a foe who somehow seems to survive all of Herman’s schemes. Sure, the post-Fleischer Paramount cartoons are a let-down, but they still hold up better than the work of some of the other cartoon studios of the era; this one comes up to the level of the lesser Looney Tunes. It’s always nice to cover a cartoon that works fairly well.

The Naked Monster (2005)
Article 5942 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-15-2021
Directed by Wayne Berwick and Ted Newsom
Featuring Kenneth Tobey, Brinke Stevens, R.G. Wilson
Country: USA
What it is: A hoot for the right audience

A giant monster is on the loose. Can authorities destroy it? If so, how?

Ted Newsom passed away last year. He was a film historian who specialized in the types of movies I review for my series, and he was one of the first figures of fandom I encountered when I began prowling around message boards about twenty years ago. I wish I had taken the time to review this movie earlier; I would have liked to chat with him about the making of this movie, which appears to have been started in the late eighties but only completed after the turn of the century.

The title seems to indicate one of two things; it’s either going to be an update of an old giant monster movie for a more permissive age (read: more nudity), or it was going to be a parody along the lines of the NAKED GUN movies. Yes, there is some (intentionally) gratuitous nudity in the movie, but not so much that it loses track of its fifties roots. I’m not surprised that some people think little of the movie (at this writing it has a 5.4 on IMDB), but I also believe it was targeted to a specialized audience – to those of us who love and studied the movies it parodied. If you’re part of that group, it’s an incredibly fun movie, and a lot of the enjoyment is going to be trying to identify the plethora of genre actors who pop up in cameos as well as the references to the movies being parodied. There’s lot so stock footage, clips from any number of genre films, cheap special effects, inside jokes (my favorite is the “mat lines” joke), etc. Quite frankly, this movie was a treat for me. Thanks, Mr. Newsom. I only wish you were still here to read this.