THE FINAL CONFLICT (1981)
Article #1508 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 5-1-2005
Posting Date: 9-28-2005
Directed by Graham Baker
Featuring Sam Neill, Rossano Brazzi, Don Gordon

Damien Thorn the Anti-Christ becomes an ambassador to England in order to prevent the second coming of Christ.

My system for watching movies results in my watching certain series films out of order. I saw THE OMEN many years ago, but I’ve never seen the immediate sequel; this was the third of the series. I do remember that it never made much of a splash in the theaters, and quite frankly, I’m not surprised. Granted, any movie that purports to be about the final battle between good and evil is setting itself up to disappoint, but this one doesn’t even seem to be trying to deliver; it’s uninspired and painfully bland, despite the best efforts of a melodramatic soundtrack and the presence of several biblical quotes. The mystery and the sense of drama of the original is long gone, the death scenes (the highlights of the original movie) are fairly mundane, and Damien’s prayers to his true father are more likely to elicit snickers than shivers. Oddly enough, one more movie was dredged up out of this series, and rumor has it that is even worse than this one. As apocalypses go, this one doesn’t even rank on the Richter scale.

THE FAT SPY (1966)
Article #1507 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 4-30-2005
Posting Date: 9-27-2005
Directed by Joseph Cates
Featuring Phyllis Diller, Jack E. Leonard, Brian Donlevy

Teenagers invade a small island owned by a cosmetics magnate who believes that the fountain of youth is found there.

You know, it would be nice to go into a movie with a clean slate and no preconceptions of what you’ll be experiencing when you see it. However, when the title of your movie is THE FAT SPY and it comes from the mid-sixties, you’re going to have an opinion right off the bat. I fully expected to see a very bad parody of a James Bond movie with a running joke about the weight of our hero.

Well, I was wrong. It isn’t a James Bond parody at all. It’s an overtly comic variant on a genre that was on its last legs; namely, the beach party movie. The main difference between this and a regular beach party movie is that the teenagers are the secondary characters here and the comic subplots have taken over. However, I wasn’t wrong about one thing; it’s very bad indeed. In fact, it’s even worse than I expected. So here are my ten thoughts on this particular travesty.

1) If I haven’t mentioned it already, this movie is also a musical. The music is largely a compendium of regurgitated sixties musical motifs. I’m tempted to say there’s way too much music, but at least when they’re dancing and singing, they’re not trying to advance the plot, which, in this movie, is a good thing.

2) There are four romantic pairings in this movie. The first is a young couple with a secret. This secret doesn’t manifest itself until the last scene in the movie, and is probably the best part of it. Of course, I won’t reveal it here.

3) The second is a star-crossed romance between a young boy named Dodo and a mermaid. Given the fact that the boy is named after an extinct bird, you shouldn’t be surprised if this romance has a tragic ending. Or does it? Only his swim trunks know for sure, and they’re not talking. I hope.

4) The third is between Jack E. Leonard as Irving, a rose-loving researcher on the island, and Jayne Mansfield as Junior (in full-blown breathy dumb blonde mold). Given that Jack E. Leonard can be described physique-wise as the anti-Mickey Hargitay, I’ll leave it to you to decide on the likelihood of this romantic pairing.

5) The fourth is between Jack E. Leonard as Herman (Irving’s brother and the Fat Spy of the title) and the main rival to Herman’s boss, another cosmetics magnate named Camille (Phyllis Diller) whose real name is Rapunzel Fingernail. If there is anybody out there dying to see Jack E. Leonard and Phyllis Diller engaged in a passionate kiss, this is the movie for you. For me, the scene will linger long in my nightmares.

6) And now a competition for the most embarassing scene in the movie. The first nominee – Watching Jack E. Leonard and the teens writhing together during a musical number about the world’s slowest dance called The Turtle.

7) Second nominee – Watching Phyllis Diller beat her masochistic Sikh servant with a riding crop. Phyllis Diller as dominatrix? I bet I’m not the only one having nightmares.

8) Third nominee – Jack E. Leonard and Phyllis Diller chowing down greedily on a black rose.

9) Fourth nominee –- Watching Jack E. Leonard sing a love song to Phyllis Diller that compares her to other sex symbols such as James Cagney and Darryl F. Zanuck.

10) Fifth nominee (and my choice) – Watching Brian Donlevy (in what surely must be the cinematic low point of his career) sitting in a boat while disembodied voices doing imitations of Edward G. Robinson, James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart encourage him in his quest.

All in all, this is scarier than most horror movies of the period. Now, if it only WERE a horror movie…

FANTASTIC PLANET (1973)
(a.k.a. LA PLANETE SAUVAGE)
Article #1506 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 4-29-2005
Posting Date: 9-26-2005
Directed by Rene Laloux
Featuring the voices of Cynthia Adler, Barry Bostwick, Hubert de Lapparent

A planet is inhabited by a race of giants called Traags and a race of small people called Oms. Though the Traags domesticate some of the Oms, they generally consider them as pests and exterminate them at regular intervals. Then one of the domesticated Oms brings a Traag learning device to the aid of the Oms…

Some movies are so unusual that their flaws become a non-issue. This bizarre, offbeat and fascinating animated movie is one of them. The plot is fairly straightforward when looked at it in its entirety, and the movie has a leisurely pace which goes off on many tangents throughout its running time. Yet each tangent is visually fascinating and shows an impressive degree of imagination, and fully makes use of the possibilities of animation. At heart, no explanation can really capture this movie; it is one to be seen and appreciated. it’s rich on so many levels that it can probably support multiple viewings. I’ve just seen it for the first time, and I’m really looking forward to seeing it again in the near future. It’s a classic of animated science fiction.

FANGS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1969)
(a.k.a. MALENKA)
Article #1505 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 4-28-2005
Posting Date: 9-25-2005
Directed by Amando de Ossorio
Featuring Anita Ekberg, Gianni Medici, Diana Lorys

A woman returns home upon inheriting a castle and discovers that she’s from a family of vampires.

In the late sixties or early seventies, a horror movie triple feature called “Orgy of the Living Dead” was making the rounds which insured that anyone driven mad by the movie would be given psychiatric care or placed in an asylum. The movies were called REVENGE OF THE LIVING DEAD, CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD and FANGS OF THE LIVING DEAD. Obviously, this triple feature was trying to cash in on the success of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, but anyone going into this triple feature hoping for the same harrowing experience of watching that movie would no doubt come away disappointed. In fact, the first two movies predated NOTLD, and had their titles changed for this triple feature. REVENGE OF THE LIVING DEAD was actually THE MURDER CLINIC, while CURSE OF THE LIVING DEAD was Mario Bava’s KILL, BABY, KILL , probably the best movie in the bunch.

I don’t know if this movie played in this country under any other name, but its more common title is MALENKA. It’s probably Amando de Ossorio’s first attempt at a horror film, and it’s pretty lame. The pace drags mightily, the dialogue is simply wretched, and the acting is weak. Granted, some of these problems are no doubt due to the poor dubbing, but there’s something about the way that the actors and actresses carry themselves that makes me believe it’s not significantly better in its native language, besides, I’ve had experience with Anita Ekberg’s thespic talents before (remember SCREAMING MIMI). However, the movie probably wasn’t a total washout; sure, it’s not the least bit scary, but if the presence of Ekberg didn’t clue you off, it does have plenty of heaving bosoms. In fact, you might as well make a sub-genre of it—The Heaving Bosom Vampire movie. It’s not the first I’ve seen, and most probably won’t be the last. How much you like it may depend on just how long heaving bosoms can hold your attention. Ossorio would eventually hit his stride as a horror director with his Blind Dead movies.

FRANCIS JOINS THE WACS (1954)
Article #1453 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 3-7-2005
Posting Date: 8-4-2005
Directed by Arthur Lubin
Featuring Donold O’Connor, Julie Adams, Chill Wills

Peter Stirling is called back into the armed forces, but is accidentally assigned to the WACS (which, if I’m not mistaken, stands for Women’s Army Corp). There he encounters Francis the talking mule once more, and enlists his help to get him out of his predicament.

Welcome back to the series that asks the cinematic question—just how many movies can you watch about a loquacious mule before the joke starts wearing thin? Actually, I though I answered that question when I reviewed FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES, which merely repeated the obvious gags from the first movie. This was the fifth in the series and marks a return to the military setting. Of course, the twist is that he’s now in the women’s corp, and though this gimmick doesn’t necessarily raise the level of the humor, it does provide a bit of variety from the endless “I can’t believe that mule is talking” gags. Still, it does borrow quite a bit from the first film; not only is Zasu Pitts back in the same role, but we have a reiteration of the basket-weaving gag, only with finger-painting this time. Nonetheless, the movie does have at least one clever trick up its sleeve; by casting Chill Wills as a General as well as having him voice Francis, a new set of gags is set up revolving around the similarity of their voices. And fans of fifties starlets (especially of science fiction movies of the time) will be pleased to find that the movie also includes Julie Adams, Mamie Van Doren, Allison Hayes and Mara Corday, a circumstance which is quite likely to go a long ways towards alleviating the silliness of the movie. The most memorable gag involves Donold O’Connor’s inability to tell if one of the WACS is standing at attention or at ease.

FORBIDDEN JUNGLE (1950)
Article #1364 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 12-8-2005
Posting Date: 5-7-2005
Directed by Robert Emmett Tansey
Featuring Don C. Harvey, Forrest Taylor, Alyce Lewis

A hunter is offered a great deal of money to go into the forbidden jungle and bring back a boy that is rumored to be running loose there.

Fantastic content: The jungle boy is able to read the minds of animals. He also seems to be able to read the mind of the hunter, but since the hunter has a narrator that tells you all of the hunter’s deepest darkest thoughts (usually about how money is the most important thing in his life), this is no challenge.

If you’re going to undertake this viewing project of mine, you should realize at the outset that you’re going to have to watch a lot of lousy jungle movies; yet, even I wasn’t quite prepared for the awesome ineptitude that passes for this movie. If I were into pithy putdowns, I’d point out that “forbidden” means you shouldn’t partake of it, and that it’s good advice. Instead, I’ll try to give you a taste of the experience by describing certain scenes.

It opens with the great hunter. He has a crowd of natives serving him whose sole function is to tote around a caged tiger through the African jungle. No, he didn’t just catch it; when he left for the safari, he didn’t know what else to do with the tiger, so he brought it along. I swear I’m not making this up. The opening five minutes of the movie consists of three different types of scenes: 1) the natives toting the tiger around, 2) the narrator telling you what the hunter is thinking while the latter raises his eyebrows, and 3) stock footage.

I may be paraphrasing somewhat, but the movie does contain the line, “I told you not to wake me up by jumping on my stomach.”

The best scene in the movie? The native boy jumps on the back of wildebeest and rides him to the native camp.

The gorilla (alias the man in the gorilla suit) is named Gigi. That may not be the correct spelling, but it sure sounds like it. Where’s Maurice Chevalier when you need him?

It’s nice that not all the animals are stock footage. There are even scenes with the actors interacting with lions. Fortunately, no one was in danger of being hurt because there was a big sheet of glass separating the lion from the humans. I know this because I can see the actors’ reflections in it when they talk to the lion.

I thought the scene where the hunter first meets the jungle boy (who convinces him that if he puts down his gun, clears his mind, and thinks nice thoughts, the nearby lion won’t kill him) to be the funniest scene I’d ever seen in a jungle movie. And then I saw….

…the scene where the hunter tempts the jungle boy into leaving with him for the city by telling him of the delights of Broadway (The Great White Way). There’s more sexual tension in this scene than in any of the ones with the scantily clad native girl.

I hope you like monkey antics. There is lots of footage of frolicking monkeys. LOTS of footage. I’m not kidding – we’re talking some serious frolicking monkey footage here. And if you get tired of that, they can always cut to the scene of the wildebeest shaking off flies. Does the action never stop?

The action (such as it is) comes to a climax when the tiger gets loose (thanks to the aforementioned monkey frolicking). We are then treated to the amazing fight scenes.

1. The blank panther fighting a stuffed tiger.

2. The wildebeest fighting a stuffed tiger.

3. The man in the gorilla suit fighting a stuffed tiger.

4. For a change of pace, we see the real tiger fighting a stuffed snake, and…

5….as God is my witness, the stuffed tiger takes on the stuffed snake. The fight of the century, folks.

After this, my mind turned off, and only flickered on long enough to register the moral lesson of the story. However, given the fact that the hunter’s narrator has harped on the fact that money is the most important thing in his life throughout most of the movie, it shouldn’t take a master logician to figure out what that lesson is going to be.

This movie is even worse that THE WHITE GORILLA, and that’s saying a lot.

FRANCIS GOES TO THE RACES (1951)
Article #1334 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-8-2004
Posting Date: 4-7-2005
Directed by Arthur Lubin
Featuring Donald O’Connor, Piper Laurie, Cecil Kellaway

Peter Stirling and Francis the talking mule become involved with horse races and gamblers.

I quite liked the first movie in the series (FRANCIS), but I was only a few minutes into this one before I felt that the bloom was off the rose. What happened? I can think of two main problems. The wartime setting of the first movie set the stakes rather high; the information given to the main character by the talking mule was vital to national security, and so it required that he act on it. Unfortunately, being a member of the military, he was often forced to reveal his sources, and this would get him into the trouble. We ended up feeling for the guy and relating to his frustration. Here, the stakes are significantly lower, and the main character gets into his scrapes not so much through circumstance but more due to his own stupidity, and this isn’t really as satisfying. Furthermore, the movie doesn’t really extend or explore further the comic premise of a talking mule, so most of the scenes are repeats of situations from the earlier movie (Stirling tries to convince someone that Francis can talk, but the mule won’t talk in front of them; two people are with the mule, and when he talks, one person thinks the other person made the comment, etc.). Granted, there’s only so much you can do with the premise of a talking mule, and unless subsequent movies find more to do with the idea, there should be no need for anyone to see more than one movie in the series. Even Cecil Kellaway and Jesse White aren’t given much to do here.

THE FINAL PROGRAMME (1973)
(a.k.a. THE LAST DAYS OF MAN ON EARTH)
Article #1328 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-2-2004
Posting Date: 4-1-2005
Directed by Robert Fuest
Featuring Jon Finch, Jenny Runacre, Hugh Griffith

After his father dies, Jerry Cornelius finds himself embroiled in a strange quest in which he helps some scientists acquire a microfilm of his father’s work while he seeks revenge on his drug-addled brother for the enslavement of his sister.

This bizarre movie about the creation of a modern messiah was directed by Robert Fuest, who was responsible for the Dr. Phibes movies. If you’re familiar with those movies, you should be able to spot the visual style without a problem. This was based on the first of several novels written by Michael Moorcock about Jerry Cornelius. I remember having read it years ago, and not understanding a word of it (though I had no problems with the sequels). I understand this movie version better, but whether I really like it is another matter. I’m not sure what it’s really trying to do, but whatever it is, it doesn’t quite succeed. It’s not quite as funny as it could be, it’s not quite as exciting as it should be, the eccentric characters are not quite as compelling as they could be, and the curious ending is not quite as satisfying as it needed to be to make me feel that it was worth wading through the confusing story to reach it. On the plus side, the music is quite good and Fuest definitely has a sense of style; I’m just not sure that’s enough to make me give it another shot. It’s interesting enough to make it worth watching once, though, but somehow it falls short of what it could have been.

FEDERAL AGENTS VS. UNDERWORLD INC. (1949)
(Serial)
Article #1271 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 9-6-2004
Posting Date: 2-3-2005
Directed by Fred C. Brannon
Featuring Kirk Alyn, Rosemary La Planche, Roy Barcroft

David Worth, Federal Agent, tries to discover who kidnapped an archaelogist name Clayton, and finds himself dealing with a crime organization intent on acquiring a golden hand unearthed in the country of Abistahn.

I usually find the strength of the Republic serials to lie in the production values they put into their serials, and in the excellent fight choreography. However, this one leaves me cold, and I suspect the reason is that the fight choreography here looks fairly ordinary. It’s a bit of a shame; the basic premise is rather unusual, and there is at least one interesting twist to the proceedings. Nevertheless, this one lost my interest, and having at least one cliffhanger that looks like footage from another serial (I think I’ve seen the “bomb on the bridge” sequence several times) and an episode consisting mostly of flashback material certainly doesn’t help the proceedings. The main fantastic content appears to be that of the fictional country of Abistahn.

THE FLAME BARRIER (1958)
Article #1254 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 8-20-2004
Posting Date: 1-17-2005
Directed by Paul Landres
Featuring Arthur Franz, Kathleen Crowley, Robert Brown

A woman finances an expedition through a South American jungle to try to locate her husband, who went there to search for evidence of a downed rocket.

The opening sequence of this movie involves the launching of a rocket; since it consists entirely of stock footage, we’re spared from having to sort out any of the characters. Then we have a narrator telling us plot information that we can easily glean through the ensuing action. It’s only then that the movie really shows its colors; it’s none other than our old friend, the Double-Stuffed Safari-O. We have the spunky but beautiful woman who insists on financing a jungle expedition despite the fact that the rainy season is about to start, and we have the mercenary safari guide who initially doesn’t get along with the woman (read: romantic pairing). We have the safari guide’s hard-drinking brother who is seeking to prove his worth and also really likes the woman (read: fifth wheel destined to take himself out of the romantic fray via an act of self sacrifice). Then we have a handful of natives (read: monster fodder). Throw in a few stray animals to scare the woman, and the occasional death scene to keep reminding us that there’s something scary at the end of the road. The monster itself is pretty lame, and I can never quite figure out how it was able to kill the natives earlier in the movie when I look at its state near the end of the movie. All in all, it would be pretty easy to dismiss this one, but the cast is likable enough, and I was in a congenial mood when I watched it, it was actually a little fun just to let the routine plot unfold in its own predictable way. My major complaint: they killed off the chimp far too quickly.