Night Train to Terror (1985)
Article 5947 by Dave Sindelar
Directed by John Carr, Phillip Marshak, Tom McGowan, Jay Schlossberg-Cohen, Gregg C. Tallas
Featuring John Philip Law, Richard Moll, Cameron Mitchell
What it is: Anthology of recycling
While a rock band plays in another car of a train, God and Satan discuss the fates of three women.
I was about half-way through watching the first of the three stories in this anthology film when the light bulb clicked on in my head. What I was watching was not, in fact, footage made specifically for this movie, but rather, an entirely different movie which had been sliced to ribbons and re-edited to maximize the number of exploitable scenes; all the violence, nudity and gore, as little of the plot as possible. It’s an incoherent mess that you only begin to sort out when the narrator shows up and clues you in. The second story is more of the same only with bigger chunks of film and no real ending. The third fares a bit better because it only seems to be missing half its footage than the three-quarters the other two sections are missing; still, the special effects are subpar, especially during the stop-motion animated segments. The movie’s own footage consists of dull conversations between God and Satan along with scenes of a rock band doing a song called “Everybody but You”. According to the credits the band does three songs; I wonder where the other two went. At any rate, the song has a subtext; it can be taken to mean that everybody else is out there watching a movie somewhere, so why don’t you sit down and watch this one? Sure, it says it’s about dancing, but I know a subtext when I hear one. For all that, this movie isn’t quite as godawful as it could have been. That’s still no recommendation as to why you should watch this one.