I MARRIED A VAMPIRE (1987)
Article 4606 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 8-12-2014
Directed by Jay Raskin
Featuring Rachel Golden, Brendan Hickey, Ted Zalewski
Country: USA
What it is: Not what you’d think

A married couple comes to the big city to find out why their daughter has married without telling them. She tells them that she married a vampire, and then tells them the story behind it.

There’s a moment in this movie where our heroine is drawn into a movie theater after being told that the they’re showing “art films”; one of the titles is REVENGE OF THE CRAZED PSYCHO, and though I don’t remember the other one, its title is along the same lines. If it seems pretty outrageous to mistake a movie with a title like that for an art film, please bear in mind a three things. 1) Look at the title of this movie. 2) The movie was distributed by Troma. 3) As outrageous as it may seem that a movie by Troma with a title like this might be an art film, it is better to view the concept not in the light of being a joke, but rather in the light of it being a warning.

This is my roundabout way of saying that if you go into this one expecting an art film, you’ll be on much more solid ground than if you go in expecting a horror film. It is, however, not a good art film; it is badly acted, frequently dull, and, once you get to the main point of the film, fairly obvious. I will give the movie one plus; it is a rather touching moment when you realize the movie’s point, which is that hitching up with a vampire may well be an improvement to an empty, depressing reality. The first half of the movie is nothing but a succession of scenes of a woman being taken advantage of, by evil landlords, shyster lawyers, screwed-up “friends”, religious cultists…. the movie is unrelenting. My guess is that most people drawn to this movie for its promised horror output will bolt long before the vampire even shows up. It won’t even satisfy exploitation fans; there’s very little blood, nudity or violence. In fact, if it weren’t for that little moment of revelation in the middle of the movie, there is nothing to recommend about this movie, and that one little moment isn’t enough to compensate for the rest of this dreary film.