GIRLY (1970)
aka Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny & Girly
Article 3773 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 12-1-2011
Posting Date: 12-13-2011
Directed by Freddie Francis
Featuring Michael Bryant, Ursula Howells, Pat Heywood
Country: UK
What it is: Black comedy

A family of psychos lure strangers into their home, where they play twisted games with them, and then murder them when they get bored with their new playmates. One man who has been drawn in, realizing his precarious situation, decides not to try escaping but sees if he can play the various members of the family against each other. Will he be able to succeed before they decide to send him to the angels?

I don’t know if this is Freddie Francis’s best movie, but I will say that it is his most interesting. It’s somewhat reminiscent of SPIDER BABY in that it mines the same vein of queasy sleaziness. The movie is definitely rather unpleasant at times, but it becomes fascinating to watch how the various members of the family deal with having the tables being turned on them in various ways. You end up being really curious as to whether the “new friend” will outwit them; even when he’s making progress, you can tell he’s rather appalled at the degree of psychotic sickness in the family. Despite the fact that there’s virtually no explicit gore in the movie, this is definitely not for the faint of heart. And if anybody asks you about someone named Tony Chestnut, make sure to be on your guard.

THE GIANT OF METROPOLIS (1961)
aka Il gigante di Metropolis
Article 3772 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-30-2011
Posting Date: 12-12-2011
Directed by Umberto Scarpelli
Featuring Gordon Mitchell, Bella Cortez, Roldano Lupi
Country: Italy
What it is: Sci-fi sword and sandal

Muscular hero Obro comes to the city of Metropolis in Atlantis to defeat an evil king who is dabbling in science that is not meant for man.

I’m surprised it took me so long to get to this particular sword-and-sandal title; it’s perhaps the one that can most easily be classified as science fiction as well, given that it takes place in the super-scientific town of Metropolis. And, to its credit, the offbeat setting seems to inspire a plot that doesn’t blindly follow the well-worn tracks of most movies of its ilk; there are some unusual plot developments here. However, that’s not an unmixed blessing. One problem is that it’s a movie with a message, which is that nature shall take vengeance on those that try to subvert it through science; the movie is so self-consciously aware of its theme that it gets very preachy at times. As a result, it’s one of the duller, talkier sword and sandal movies out there. You’d also think that this super-scientific city would come up with something in the way of useful projectile weapons; instead, we have standard-issue clubs, weapons that seem to be nothing more than glorified pointed sticks with thyroid problems, and faux lobster claws. I also can’t help but notice that, despite the science, they still practice astrology, like to spend a lot of time hanging around caves, and still have an addiction to liturgical dance; the scene involving the latter convinces me that the choreographers of Metropolis work overtime while their composers are asleep at the wheel. Overall, I’m very disappointed with this one; I’d like to like it, but it’s way too talky and preachy to be much fun. And the scene where the hero has a battle with a ray of light may be one of the most embarrassing moments in the whole genre.

THE GREEN ARCHER (1961)
aka Der grune Bogenschutze
Article 3770 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-28-2011
Posting Date: 12-10-2011
Directed by Jurgen Roland
Featuring Klausjurgen Wussow, Karin Dor, Eddi Arent
Country: West Germany
What it is: Krimi

A phantom known as the Green Archer is on the loose, knocking off people with his green arrows. But is he fighting against an American businessman in England, or for him…?

Some krimis I enjoy; they can be fun and atmospheric at their best. However, some, like this one, can be frustrating. The problem here is that there are just too many characters, many of which aren’t established strongly enough to stick in the memory from scene to scene. There are also a wealth of subplots to further complicate things. Finally, there’s the fact that the story threads are usually kept a secret until the end of the movie. Here we have a businessman (played by Gert Frobe) who is keeping a woman locked in a secret room in his house, whose son is believed to be dead and whose daughter the businessman is trying to dispose of. Not knowing why this is all happening wouldn’t be quite as maddening if the plot wasn’t wandering all over the place; after a while you don’t know which characters are really important, even if you can remember them from one scene to the next. Furthermore, the title character appears so rarely during the first two-thirds of the movie that it’s rather jarring in the last third that he’s all over the place. But, I’ve seen enough krimis now to know that some of them end up like this.

GALAXINA (1980)
Article 3769 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-27-2011
Posting Date: 12-9-2011
Directed by William Sachs
Featuring Stephen Macht, Avery Schreiber, J.D. Hinton
Country: USA
What it is: Not sure, but it thinks it’s a comedy

A police ship is sent to a distant planet to retrieve the Blue Crystal, a gem of incredible power.

Before this movie premiered, actress Dorothy Stratten (who, despite being fourth-billed, plays the title character) was shockingly murdered by her husband, a story that is told in the movie STAR 80. I mention this fact because that seems to be the fact for which this movie is most famous. And, having seen the movie itself, that’s perhaps as it should be. Stratten wears a handful of sexy costumes, which I’m sure will be considered a plus by some people. The only other plus I can think of for this movie is that it has lots of alien creatures in it. It’s certainly not going to be remembered for its plot, which, if summarized, would have trouble filling out an index card. It’s not going to be remembered for its jokes; the ones that aren’t a hundred years old are stillborn, and the comic timing is so horrid that even those jokes that might have potentially worked die a horrible death. If you’re trapped into watching it, you might amuse yourself at spotting the subtle and not-so-subtle references to other science fiction movies and TV shows. The “R” rating seems to be mostly the result of an unnecessary plethora of badly-integrated cussing. By the way, that’s Angelo Rossitto in the costume of the monster from the egg. This one is truly awful.