DRACULA SUCKS (1980)
Article 3694 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 9-10-2011
Posting Date: 9-25-2011
Directed by Phillip Marshak
Featuring Jamie Gillis, Annette Haven, John Leslie
What it is: Porno Dracula
Dracula moves into Carfax Abbey and terrorizes the residents of Dr. Seward’s sanitarium.
After suffering through THE CASE OF THE SMILING STIFFS and PLEASE DON’T EAT MY MOTHER, I was expecting the worst from another porn horror movie, but I will give the movie some credit. It manages to at least dredge up some horror atmosphere, and it takes itself seriously enough (up to a point) that it actually ends up not being totally a joke when it actually credits Bram Stoker and his novel at the beginning. Still, just because it takes itself a bit more seriously doesn’t make it a good movie; it feels thrown together at random, especially in the way it picks key lines from the novel and throws them in just so they can be in there some place. There’s also something particularly crude and unappealing about this one; having Dracula assault Lucy when she’s on the toilet is incredibly tacky, for example. And when it does try for humor, it’s painful; most of the humor seems to come from bits of stupid dialogue added in post-processing that either have nothing to do with the action, or has people engage in pointless cussing and insulting. The worst bit of humor here is when the movie decides to include a throwback; the sole black character is one of those scared manservants that popped up constantly in the thirties, though he also serves as the resident voyeur. Richard Bulik actually does a neat imitation of Dwight Frye, and Reggie Nalder (who is listed under a pseudonym and plays the role of Van Helsing) does what he can, but it’s really a waste of time unless you’re into the porn angle.