Month: December 2018

Black Magic Rites and the Secret Orgies of the Fourteenth Century (1973)

BLACK MAGIC RITES AND THE SECRET ORGIES OF THE FOURTEENTH CENTURY (1973)
aka Riti, magie nere e segrete orge nel trecento, The Reincarnation of Isabel
Article 3085 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-27-2009
Posting Date: 1-24-2010
Directed by Renato Polselli
Featuring Mickey Hargitay, Rita Calderoni, Raul Lovecchio
Country: Italy
What it is: One man’s overheated sexual fantasy with vampires, witches, possession and premature burial thrown into the mix

Many years ago, a witch had a stake driven through her heart and was lightly singed at the stake. Dracula became a vampire in order to reincarnate her. Many years later, a bunch of people move to a castle. Black masses are held. Things happen…

One of the subtitles near the end of the movie says “Don’t try to understand it.” They should have had that line at the beginning of the movie. I watched it in Italian with English subtitles, but if you have any hope of taking this movie seriously, you’d better watch it without subtitles; it will make no sense, of course, but then, it didn’t with the subtitles either. Scenes seem to occur at random, and writer/director Renato Polselli is addicted to editing; unfortunately, the more he edits, the sillier and more confused it becomes. The dialogue is often ludicrous, the special effects are mostly horrible; are those bats or hummingbirds that pop up sporadically throughout the movie? and couldn’t they find even one real snake for the snake pit sequence? The witch-burning sequence is also pretty bad; after stripping her naked, they place a stake with a heart on it on her chest (yes, I know the stake is supposed to have gone through her chest and that’s supposed to be her own heart, but that’s the level of the effects), and then light a fire that doesn’t seem to get within five feet of her body. The movie also contains the single most annoying actress I’ve seen in years, Stefania Fassio. Oh, and did I mention there’s lots of nudity?

If Ed Wood ever directed an Italian Eurotrash movie, this would be the result.

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The Phantom Tollbooth (1970)

THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH (1970)
Article 3084 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-26-2009
Posting Date: 1-23-2010
Directed by Chuck Jones, Abe Levitow and Dave Monahan
Featuring the voices of Butch Patrick, Mel Blanc, Daws Butler
Country: USA
What it is: Animated children’s story

A bored young boy travels into another world, and undertakes a mission to reunite a divided kingdom by rescuing the princesses of Rhyme and Reason.

Though three directors are listed, the primary director of this one is Chuck Jones, one of the true geniuses of animation. Still, it’s important when judging this work of his to keep several things in consideration.

1) The vast majority of his finest work consisted of movies that lasted about seven minutes long.

2) It was as an animator and a director that he excelled, not as a writer or a producer, and he works in those capacities on this film.

3) Since most of the theatrical animation studios had closed up by this point, he most likely didn’t have access to the same experienced team that he had with him during his Warner Brothers days. I wouldn’t be surprised if most of his help was from people who were specializing in the kind of limited animation that had become the mainstay of TV animation.

4) Two of his crucial associates at Warner Brothers (writer Michael Maltese and musical director Carl Stalling, both of whom contributed mightily to the quality of his shorts) are not involved with this production.

To his credit, he does garner a strong group of voices; Daws Butler, Hans Conried, June Foray, Shepard Menken and the wonderful Mel Blanc are on hand to lend their talents. And there are moments here and there where one can sense the hand of Chuck Jones at the helm. Still, the story is a disappointment; it’s something of an uninspired cross between “Alice in Wonderland” and “The Wizard of Oz” with some occasionally tiresome lapses into lesson-teaching. The songs are particularly weak, as well. It’s not awful, by any means, but it’s too sporadic in its good moments to be truly effective.

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Outer Touch (1979)

OUTER TOUCH (1979)
Article 3083 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-25-2009
Posting Date: 1-22-2010
Directed by Norman J. Warren
Featuring Barry Stokes, Tony Maiden, Glory Annen
Country: UK
What it is: Science fiction sex comedy

Three female aliens from outer space make an emergency landing on Earth, where they pick up four people. Not having seen men before, they are surprised to discover that three of the creatures have flat chests and strange appendages. However, they soon learn the purpose of the appendages…

This movie has three female space aliens. One is in charge of the ship, and wears black leather. One is an engineer and wears a low cut blouse. The third is a scientist and has an elaborate wardrobe. The four Earthlings include an engaged couple who aren’t having sex yet (he wants to and she doesn’t), a geeky student who likes porno magazines, and a would-be stud. There’s also a talking gay computer and a mechanical psychiatrist in the form of a Wurlitzer jukebox. By the end of the movie everyone’s had a chance to be naked, the three space aliens learn to enjoy some new experiences with the geeky student, the stud gets his comeuppance, and I’ll let you guess what happens with the engaged couple. As a comedy, I found it laughless; as a sex movie, it’s a matter of personal taste, and it depends on who is on the screen at the time (for those who are curious, I’m partial to Ava Cadell myself). Outside of that, the most interesting thing about this one is that it seems at least partially modeled off of DARK STAR; in particular, there is the concept of a computer constantly reporting on hardware malfunctions that are never addressed, and the end of the movie bears a certain similarity as well. Whether this movie is your cup of tea is up to you.

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The Invasion (1982)

THE INVASION (1982)
TV-Movie made from episodes of “The Starlost”
Article 3082 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-24-2009
Posting Date: 1-21-2010
Directed by George McCowan and Joseph L. Scanlon
Featuring Keir Dullea, Gay Rowan, Robin Ward
Country: Canada
What it is: Recycled “Starlost” episodes posing as a movie.

Three people attempting to save a space ark from being destroyed have adventures. In the first, one of them is injured and their only hope lies with a group of astro-medics who seem more concerned with helping a distressed alien spaceship. In the other, they encounter a culture aboard the ark in which people undergo brain implants to increase brain efficiency; in reality, the implants cause great pain and are under the control of an evil madman intent on taking over the colony.

Once again, I cover one of those rare movies that does not have a listing on IMDB, though the other “Starlost” TV-Movies are listed. This features the episodes of “Astro-Medics” and “The Implant People”. Personally, I love the central concept that underlies it, but this series is so badly done that it becomes depressing watching it when you think of what it could have been. Either one of these two episodes could have been interesting, but the bottom-of-the-barrel production values sink it at every step. The worst culprit is the writing; it’s talky, trite, corny, and amateurish. I had to laugh out loud at one comment in the trivia section of the series on IMDB, not because it’s so ridiculous but because it seems all too believable; the comment stated that it has long been a rumor that many of the episodes were actually written by Canadian high school students rather than the credited writers. At any rate, I’m not the least bit surprised that Harlan Ellison (who created the series) wished to have this series credited to his pseudonym, “Cordwainer Bird”, which he uses whenever he thinks his work has been unacceptably compromised.

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Hellhole (1985)

HELLHOLE (1985)
Article 3081 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-23-2009
Posting Date: 1-20-2010
Directed by Pierre De Moro
Featuring Ray Sharkey, Judy Landers, Marjoe Gortner
Country: USA
What it is: Women-in-Prison movie cleverly disguised as a Women-in-Loony-Bin movie with mad science thrown in for good measure.

Upon witnessing the murder of her mother, a young woman is injured trying to escape from the murderer and develops amnesia. She is placed in an asylum for recovery. However, the doctors in the asylum are engaged in horrible experiments, and the murderer (who has been hired to find out where incriminating papers have been hidden) takes on a job in the asylum so he can be there when the woman recovers her memory.

So, what have we learned from this movie?

1) What is the difference between a women-in-prison movie and a women-in-loony-bin movie? If this is an example, not a hell of a lot.

2) It’s easy to motivate any sort of behavior when most of your characters are crazy.

3) When most of your characters are crazy, you’re bound to have a number of nymphomaniacs in the batch as well.

4) Female nymphomaniacs + Lack of available men = Plenty of lesbian action.

5) Asylums have group showers. Might as well use them in the movie, then.

6) If you set your movie in an asylum, there are plenty of drugs around for characters to steal and use for recreational purposes.

7) If you have enough crazy and violent characters in your story, you don’t have to worry too much about the plot; just have everyone threaten and beat up everyone else.

8) I’ve never pondered the question as to who would prevail in a battle of wills between Marjoe Gortner and Mary Woronov, but if I had, I would have predicted exactly what happened here.

9) Robert Z’Dar is not a pretty man.

10) If you’re a mad scientist, it’s best to hide your failed experiments in the bottom section of the boiler room; inspectors just hate to go down there.

and an extra…

11) I don’t care if its an asylum or a prison; if there’s a place called Hellhole in the area, it’s not a good place to be.

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Haunted (1979)

HAUNTED (1979)
Article 3080 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-22-2009
Posting Date: 1-19-2010
Directed by Michael A. DeGaetano
Featuring Aldo Ray, Virginia Mayo, Ann Michelle
Country: USA
What it is: Ancient Indian shaman curse movie….maybe…

A small Arizona town suffers from a curse brought on by an Indian woman who was falsely executed by the townspeople. When a woman shows up who might be the reincarnation of the Indian woman, a crazed caretaker after some hidden gold decides he must kill her.

One of the first scenes in this bizarre horror movie has the phone company installing a phone booth in a cemetery. Why? Well, despite the fact that you’ll be asking that question (as well as most of the other characters in the cast), no answer is tendered, and that’s just the type of movie this is. Other weirdnesses include an organ-playing blind woman (played by Virginia Mayo), a series of wooden sculptures, and a series of microphones installed on a roof. It’s directed by Michael A. DeGaetano, who gave us UFO: TARGET EARTH, and you can tell; as in that movie, the story doesn’t make much sense, the dialogue is weirdly artificial, and you’ll be left scratching your head by the end of the movie. And, like UFO: TARGET EARTH, for some reason, I can’t quite bring myself to the point of just dismissing the movie as a ludicrous piece of crap; there’s something oddly hypnotic about his work, and some of the location photography is beautiful. It’s rating on IMDB is very low, and that’s to be expected; it’s marketed as a horror movie, and those expecting a good scare will really come up frustrated. In truth, I’m not sure what it is; there’s a chance its bizarre feel is a side effect of incompetence rather than of any intentional design. Still, if DeGaetano is a bad film-maker, at least he was an interesting one as well.

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The Mystic (1925)

THE MYSTIC (1925)
Article 3079 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-21-2009
Posting Date: 1-18-2010
Directed by Tod Browning
Featuring Aileen Pringle, Conway Tearle, Mitchell Lewis
Country: USA
What it is: A love story disguised as a crime story about mystics

Three gypsies are recruited by an American con man to take part in the bilking of an heiress. However, when the con man has a change of heart about the plan, he discovers the gypsies aren’t so ready to give up their share…

One of the gypsies plays the part of a mystic who can summon the dead, and the scenes involving her show are fun and eerie; this is what provides the fantastic content to this Tod Browning movie. The story itself is pretty clever; it’s fascinating to watch the way the various parties involved (the heiress, the con man, the police, and the three gypsies) play against each other, with the power constantly shifting from one party to another. Lon Chaney is not in this one, but that’s understandable; there really doesn’t seem to be an ideal part for him here. Aileen Pringle is a lot of fun as the gypsy woman/mystic; whether holding a seance, or casually eating food while the knife-thrower practices his craft with her, she’s a joy to watch. It’s one of those movies that is quite unpredictable, and it’s definitely one of Browning’s better efforts.

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Kill or Be Killed (1967)

KILL OR BE KILLED (1967)
TV-Movie
Article 3078 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-20-2009
Posting Date: 1-17-2010
Directed by William Hale and Herschel Daugherty
Featuring James Darren, Robert Colbert, Whit Bissell
Country: USA
What it is: Time travel movie cobbled together from two episodes of “The Time Tunnel”

Tony and Doug find themselves in Hawaii on the eve of the attack on Pearl Harbor, prompting Tony to find out what happened to his father, who disappeared during the attack. Then they end up on an island near Iwo Jima, where they become the target of a disgraced Japanese kamikaze pilot.

All right, I cheated; I never actually saw this movie (which I couldn’t find), but rather, in lieu of that, I watched the two episodes from “The Time Tunnel” which were used for the movie, and tried to imagine how they would have been edited together. This was easy enough; they most likely came up with different opening and closing credit sequences and lopped off the end part of each episode in which the Time Tunnelers were whisked off to another time period and left in a cliffhanger situation. Rarely have I seen anything more elaborate done for this sort of movie.

The two episodes are “The Day the Sky Fell In”, and “Kill Two by Two”. I did a sort on IMDB of the episodes of “The Time Tunnel” on IMDB in ratings order, and realized that putting these two episodes together was a no-brainer; not only were they the two top-rated episodes of the series, but they both have a World War II theme. It’s easy to see why the Pearl Harbor story is a favorite; fans of a series generally like the episodes where we get personal stories woven into the action, and Tony does get to interact not only with his father, but with himself as a child as well. This episode works well enough, but clumsy writing blunts the effectiveness of the more emotional scenes. I actually like the other episode better, despite the fact that it turns into a rehash of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, with our heroes trying to escape the clutches of the mad pilot intent on hunting them down. What makes this one work is that the hunter/pilot has a more interesting backstory and motivation than is usual for this type of plot, and it was nice to see that the parts involving Whit Bissell’s character (i.e. the scientists trying to retrieve the two men lost in the Time Tunnel) amount to more than the usual hand-wringing about their frustration at their inability to rescue the men; it’s here that the backstory is fleshed out. Edited together it would have been watchable enough, though I doubt anyone would have been fooled into thinking it would have been anything more than two episodes of a TV show edited together. I do wonder if they kept the nifty theme music, though.

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Sweeney Todd (1970)

SWEENEY TODD (1970)
TV-Movie/Episode of “Mystery and Imagination”
Article 3077 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-14-2009
Posting Date: 1-16-2010
Directed by Robert Collin
Featuring Freddie Jones, Heather Canning, Leon Collins
Country: UK
What it is: TV-Movie adaptation of famous horror story… but with a twist

Sweeney Todd murders a customer for a string of pearls which he hopes will win the heart of the woman he loves. However, when he is spurned and forced to sell the pearls for money, he begins a descent into real madness.

This was an episode of a British TV-Series called “Mystery and Imagination”, but at 75 minutes, it qualifies as a movie, hence its inclusion here. The story is familiar enough, but this movie has a real twist to it, which I won’t give away here because it’s one of the great surprises of this version. Suffice it to say that you spend almost the entire running time of this movie trapped in the mind of Sweeney Todd himself, a mind given to sudden leaps in time and breaks in continuity. After a while, you’re not sure what is real and what isn’t, and it is this ambiguity that makes the movie work. Kudos must go to Freddie Jones, whose performance in the title role is profoundly disturbing; the rest of the cast also does quite well. It’s really rare when such a familiar story can be handled in a truly unique and interesting way, and this one succeeds very well.

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Zontar: The Thing from Venus (1966)

ZONTAR: THE THING FROM VENUS (1966)
TV-Movie
Article 3076 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 10-9-2009
Posting Date: 1-15-2010
Directed by Larry Buchanan
Featuring John Agar, Susan Bjurman, Tony Huston
Country: USA
What it is: AIP science fiction thriller remake, Larry Buchanan-style

A rogue scientist communicates with a creature from Venus who has plans to “save” the human race. Little does the scientist know the carnage that will result from his actions to bring the alien to Earth.

I’ll give this much to Larry Buchanan; he came up with a nifty title for this one. It not only inspired an episode of SCTV, but a fanzine as well, “Zontar, the Magazine from Venus”. Still, when it came time for the editors to come up with an accompanying image for the magazine, they bypassed the lame creature here for the silly-but-inspired vegetable creature from IT CONQUERED THE WORLD, which is the movie of which this is a remake. And, like the other Larry Buchanan remakes of AIP features, it stinks; one is especially aware of how the conviction of the cast in the original made much of the dialogue work despite its clunkiness, an advantage that this version of the movie does not have. I’m especially aware of how poorly Susan Bjurman does in the Beverly Garland role. Still, this may be the best of Buchanan’s AIP adaptations, for what that’s worth.

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