STAR ODYSSEY (1979)
aka Sette uomini d’oro nello spazio
Article 2435 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 11-28-2007
Posting Date: 4-12-2008
Directed by Alfonso Brescia
Featuring Yanti Somer, Gianni Garko, Malisa Longo

Aliens from outer space purchase Earth in an auction and proceed to invade. A super-smart human gathers together a group of people and robots to do battle with them.

I now present “Dave’s Tips on How to Make a Better Movie”.

1) If you’re marketing a cheap Italian space opera modeled after STAR WARS , I suppose it’s inevitable that you will choose a title that conjures up the original from which it was derived. If, however, you come up with a title that also elicits thoughts of another science fiction movie with a high reputation (such as, say, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY), then you’re just asking people to make comparisons that you really don’t want them to make.

2) Note to editors: unless you’re really trying to be arty, you should put your movie together to make some sort of linear and coherent sense. If you place the auction scene where the planet is bought after the opening invasion scenes, you will only confuse the viewer, unless you indicate in some ways that it is a flashback.

3) Having three characters with special hypnotic abilities and glowing eyes is at least two too many.

4) The bad guy having an army of androids at his disposal = good idea. Having the androids all look like Prince Valiant = bad idea.

5) If your soundtrack sounds like your ten-year old nephew playing one of those keyboard instruments you can buy at Target while somebody stomps on the floor with heavy boots in the background, you will not achieve the operatic grandeur you need to make this space epic fly.

6) A cute robot couple for whimsy = good idea. Having them talk endlessly about why they were trying to commit suicide = bad idea.

7) If you’re having a boxing scene between a gymnast and a robot, it is a not a good idea to have the referee the one that gets hit the most.

8) Remember, when people are laughing while watching your movie, and it isn’t a comedy, it’s not a good sign.

I’d go on, but why bother? All you need to know is that this is the cheesiest, most incompetent ripoff of STAR WARS that I’ve seen to date, and that’s no mean feat. Giving advice now is like going up to a train wreck and telling the dead engineer that he should have kept the train on the tracks.