THE SCARLET CLUE (1945)
Article #1402 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 1-15-2005
Posting Date: 6-14-2005
Directed by Phil Rosen
Featuring Sidney Toler, Mantan Moreland, Virginia Brissac

Charlie Chan tries to discover the identity of a suspect he had been tailing. His main clue is a blood-soaked footprint.

While watching this one, I found myself wondering whether it had been really intended for the Charlie Chan series or not. For one thing, almost all of Chan’s dialogue is written in straightforward English, rather than the aphoristic style usually used by the character. Unfortunately, this dialogue is at odds with the stilted voice pattern Sidney Toler uses for the role; it makes him sound as if he can’t remember his lines. To compensate for this, the movie uses Mantan Moreland a lot, and even if too many of the gags involve him being scared, he’s still the best thing here. His best scene, though, is with actor/musician Ben Carter; they have an extended conversation where they repeatedly pick up cues from each others uncompleted sentences and understanding each other completely while leaving Benson Fong totally confused.

The fantastic content is slight; there’s a bit of science fiction involving plans for radar, and a slight horror element with the killer walking around at one point in a scary mask and costume. However, one of the most interesting touches is the presence of a character named Horace Karlos, a Shakespearian actor who now specializes in playing monsters. Given that his name rhymes with Boris Karloff, I think we’re seeing another tribute to that actor. You could probably do a whole night of movies which feature characters whose names are modeled after Karloff.

SANTO VS. THE KING OF CRIME (1962)
(a.k.a. SANTO CONTRA EL REY DEL CRIMEN)
Article #1401 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 1-14-2005
Posting Date: 6-13-2005
Directed by Federico Curiel
Featuring Santo, Fernando Casanova, Ana Berthe Lepe

Santo takes on a crime syndicate that is making money off of sporting events.

Now we move on from Santa to Santo. Unfortunately, we’re also moving on from English to unsubtitled Spanish, as that was the only copy I could find of this one. It’s a bit of a shame; like SANTO EN EL HOTEL DE MUERTE, there are some very interesting elements of the story. In particular, the opening sequence is about a young boy who gets into a fight with several other children, and then returns home and has a long talk with his father (in the presence of another man who I believe may be a butler), who reveals he has the mask of Santo hidden in his library. The next scene has a man (whose face we never see) talking with the butler above, and then donning the Santo mask, and making his way down to a secret lab underneath the library. I can’t help but wonder whether I’m watching the mythic origins of Santo or not.

This one seems quite well made, and has an interesting use of double exposure at one point in the proceedings. The fantastic elements are slight here; the villain is in no way supernatural that I can tell (unlike many of Santo’s foes), and there is really no horror atmosphere to speak of. It does have slight science fiction elements, though; the lab itself is one of them, and one of the gizmos on hand is combination wristwatch / walkie talkie of some sort.

There are two types of sporting events that take place in this film. One is wrestling (of course), and for fans of this, the wrestling scenes are quite good. The other has me puzzled. It looks like some variation of racquetball, only it involves teams, and the players wear these long hard curved appendages strapped to their hands (they look vaguely like tentacles) with which they must catch the balls and throw them. I have no idea what this sport is. Initially, I thought it might have been lacrosse, a sport which I’ve never seen in action. However, I have seen lacrosse rackets, and they don’t look anything like the appendages here, so I’m at a loss. This is one of the downsides of watching movies in other languages.

UPDATE: Thanks to Jolyon at the SciFilm board, I now know the name of the sport. It’s called pelota, and he described it as one of the most lethal sports on earth.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)
Article #1400 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 1-13-2005
Posting Date: 6-12-2005
Directed by Nicholas Webster
Featuring John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck

Martians decide to kidnap Santa Claus in order to fight a wave of despondency amongst the Martian children.

Nothing is harder than to review a movie whose reputation precedes it, especially when the reputation is largely justified. It’s even harder when the movie has been adaquately covered elsewhere and you’re in the position of trying to find something new to say. Still, you’ve got to make the best of it, so here goes.

Is this the worst movie ever made? No, it isn’t; in fact, it’s not even the worst Christmas movie ever made. It is the one, however, which most blatantly calls attention to itself by dint of its title. Yet, I don’t have any real problem with the central concept; it’s jarring at first, but a movie about Santa Claus or Martians requires a suspension of disbelief anyway. If you buy one, it’s not too tough to buy the other.

I honestly like two touches in this film. The initial confusion of the Martians about the plethora of Santas on earth is clever and amusing, and giving the Martians a form of affectionate greeting (they touch foreheads) shows more creativity than you might expect.

Still, even if it isn’t the worst Christmas movie ever made, it’s not for lack of trying. Here are my choices for the ten worst things about this movie.

1) The Martian makeup isn’t fun. It’s ugly, greasy and too dark.

2) The musical soundtrack. Especially the blaring horns that try to punctuate certain scenes.

3) The incessant use of stock footage during the first half of the movie. This movie actually moves at a fairly decent pace, but the stock footage always grinds things to a complete halt.

4) The fight scenes. This movie may have the single worst fight scenes of any that I’ve seen. In particular, the fight scene between Voldar and Kimar in the spaceship is truly embarassing.

5) The polar bear costume. The less said about this, the better.

6) The performances of the child actors. Yes, Pia Zadora plays the little Martian girl, but she comes off better than either of the two kids who play the earth children. There are times where I can practically see the cue cards the boy is reading from.

7. The comic relief. Yes, it’s easy to target Dropo, but his comic relief character comes with the territory, and he does at least show the ability to fade in the background when he’s not supposed to be the center of attention. No, the worst offender here is the accomplice of Voldar’s that looks like Jamie Farr. His mugging is incessant even in scenes where he’s not supposed to be the focus of attention, an act which is known as upstaging. No wonder Voldar deals him some otherwise unprovoked blows to the head; he was probably getting on his nerves.

8. The scene where Santa turns Torg into a toy. I’m not sure how this scene was supposed to work, but I do know that it doesn’t.

9) The ski in the storage room. This prop seems so out of place in its environment that it calls an inordinate amount of attention to itself even before it is used by one character to disarm another.

10) And finally, Santa’s laugh. John Call actually doesn’t give a bad performance of Santa, but his laugh really needed work. It’s not jovial; it’s just plain creepy.

So, what is the worst Christmas movie ever? Believe me, friends, we don’t want to go there.

Inspirational Quote: “My finger isn’t tired.”

THE STEPFORD WIVES (1975)
Article #1397 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 1-10-2005
Posting Date: 6-9-2005
Directed by Bryan Forbes
Featuring Katharine Ross, Paula Prentiss, Peter Masterson

A woman moves to a new town with her husband and children, but feels out of place. Almost all the other women in town seem to be obsessed with homemaking and satisfying their husbands, and little else. She begins to suspect that there is something very wrong here.

Sometimes you have to give credit where credit is due; whatever its flaws, THE STEPFORD WIVES has filtered itself deeply in the public consciousness, and has become a part of our culture. Obviously, the movie touches a nerve or two, and all in all the movie is good enough to get by. Still, I’ve never quite warmed up to the movie. Part of the reason is that at almost two hours, I think it’s too long; certain scenes drag on forever, and others fail to cover any new ground. I also think it’s too narrow; despite the fact that it subtly hints that this may not be quite the paradise it seems for the men, ultimately it chooses to be little more than a woman’s nightmare.

I also never quite believe the movie. Personally, I find the town of Stepford as dull as dishwater, and not the paradise of my dreams. I also find it hard to believe that my sexual ego would really be bolstered by the compliments of a robot who I know had been programmed to say those things. Furthermore, the movie never develops the children as characters, but only as plot devices; wouldn’t a child be one of the first to know that mommy has changed? (For comparison, consider the opening scenes in the original INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS). And finally, I really find it hard to believe that the women have really been programmed by men; sure, they dress sexy, but not quite in the way that corresponds to any male fantasies I know of. At any rate, I don’t think all the men would have picked out those big white floppy hats that all the wives wear in the final scene. All in all, I think the movie falls short of what it could have been.