THE SECOND BEST SECRET AGENT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD (1965)
aka Licensed to Kill
Article 2602 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 5-20-2008
Posting Date: 9-27-2008
Directed by Lindsay Shonteff
Featuring Tom Adams, Karel Stepanek, Peter Bull
Country: UK

A secret agent is assigned to guard a scientist who is on the verge of creating an invention that will be called a Regrav, a device that will bend the laws of gravity. However, enemy agents are also after the scientist…

I’m not entirely sure what this is; it’s either a parody of the James Bond movies, or a rather self-conscious low-budget imitation of them. The title certainly seems to indicate the former, and some of the plot developments (particularly the head-swimming series of double-crosses and plot revelations that take up the last fifteen minutes of the movie) also do as well. However, if it is a parody, it mostly works on such a subtle level that it becomes rather indistinguishable from what it’s parodying, and it’s good to remember that the James Bond movies themselves are parodies to begin with. As a result, the movie often plays like an imitation, though one with a significantly lower budget and, at times, a sense of tiredness. If you go in expecting it to flip back and forth between the two extremes, you’ll have a good idea of what this one like. It’s still worth catching for that ending, though; you might even want to give the movie a second watching just to sort out the whole twisted affair. And as for the Gizmo Maguffin science fiction content of the Regrav device…, well, let’s just say that the degree to which this element contributes to the science fiction content of the movie is one of the punch lines at the end of the movie. To say more would give far too much away.

SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM (1973)
Article 2593 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 5-11-2008
Posting Date: 9-18-2008
Directed by Bob Kelljan
Featuring William Marshall, Don Mitchell, Pam Grier
Country: USA

When Blacula is resurrected in a voodoo ceremony, he seeks a voodoo priestess who can rid him of his curse.

I’ve heard tell that BLACULA is the best of the horror blaxploitation titles of the seventies, and that this sequel doesn’t quite measure up to that one. So I’ll refrain from making any judgment on the original based on having watched this one except to say that it must certainly share this movie’s great strength, which is William Marshall’s excellent performance. His Blacula has such a commanding, authoritative presence that he single-handedly raises this film several notches in my eyes. This is good, because the movie has a few problems. Perhaps the worst one is that the movie’s believability at any one moment is in inverse proportion to the amount of jive talk being used on the screen at the time; this movie has some of the least convincing jive talk I’ve ever heard. Marshall only uses jive talk in one speech, and though it’s the best line in the movie, you can clearly hear the quote marks around them. The performers who are given the least jive talk fare best; both Don Mitchell and Pam Grier come off all right. Still, the story takes an interesting approach, and occasional moments work quite well.

7 CADAVERI PER SCOTLAND YARD (1971)
aka Jack the Mangler, Jack el destripador de Londres
Article 2574 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 4-22-2008
Posting Date: 8-30-2008
Directed by Jose Luis Madrid
Featuring Paul Naschy, Patricia Loran, Renzo Marignano
Country: Italy / Spain

A Jack-the-Ripper style murderer is loose in London, and Scotland Yard is on the case. Their prime suspect is an ex-acrobat whose wife was one of the first victims. Or could it be that he’s being framed…?

I wasn’t quite sure what this Paul Naschy film was going to be like, but had I taken my cue from the title under which I watched this (7 CADAVERI PER SCOTLAND YARD, which translate as SEVEN CORPSES FOR SCOTLAND YARD), I would have suspected from the outset that this would turn out to be a giallo. And indeed it is; thought there is the gore you’d suspect from a serial killer movie, the emphasis is on the investigation with a satisfying number of twists and turns. Quite frankly, I really enjoyed the story of this one; I thought I had figured out who the murderer was, but I was just playing into the movie’s hands; like a good Hitchcock movie (which in some ways, this one resembles), it manipulated me well and I liked it. Still, giallo fans may well be disappointed by the lack of style here; it’s flatly directed and has a fairly forgettable music score, so I’m not surprised it has an uneven reputation. Still, I found it pretty good for a Paul Naschy film, and, despite other weaknesses, the movie gets by on story alone.

SLEEPING BEAUTY (1964)
aka Spyashchaya krasavitsa
Article 2559 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 4-7-2008
Posting Date: 8-14-2008
Directed by Apollinari Dudko and Konstantin Sergeyev
Featuring Alla Sizova, Yuri Solovyov, Natalya Dudinskaya
Country: Soviet Union

When she is not invited to the party celebrating the birth of a daughter to the king and queen, an evil witch puts a curse on the young girl. When the girl grows into a young woman, she is pricked by a needle and falls into a deep sleep. Only a handsome prince can revive her with a kiss.

Sure, it gets boring; it’s a ballet. After all, we’re talking about a movie here in which, for all intents and purposes, the plot is over while there’s still fourteen minutes of movie to go (which brings back memories of HILLBILLYS IN A HAUNTED HOUSE, and I marvel that I found the opportunity to reference that piece of silliness in this review). But when I’m not being crankily lowbrow, I can really marvel at the discipline that goes into this form of dance, and I have a vast admiration for the elegant control these dancers have over their bodies. The movie itself manages to walk an effective line between cinema and photographed ballet; most of it is as stagebound as you might expect, but the use of special effects (with witches vanishing and the like) gives it that extra bit of flavor that makes it more fun to watch. It also helps that Tchaikovsky (oddly missing the first T in the opening credits) was one of my favorite classical composers. Still, I will say this; I was spending the whole day expecting I would be watching DERANGED: CONFESSIONS OF A NECROPHILE when I got home, and when that movie got trumped by the arrival in the mail of this one, it was very difficult to switch the mental gears. Still, there’s always one thing I can say about ballet in general; at least it’s not opera.

THE SECRET OF TREASURE ISLAND (1938)
Serial
Article 2534 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 3-13-2008
Posting Date: 7-20-2008
Directed by Elmer Clifton
Featuring Don Terry, Gwen Gaze, Walter Miller
Country: USA

A woman learns that she is the heiress to half of a pirate treasure map showing where a fortune is hidden on Treasure Island. Unfortunately, a criminal known as The Shark (who has a fortress on Treasure Island) has the other half of the map, and will stop at nothing to get the missing half.

I like this one, but heck, I like THE LOST CITY. Its 4.7 rating on IMDB does seem to indicate that I’m not in step with other serial fans as far as this one goes, but I find the everything-but-the-kitchen-sink approach here (which includes a group of underground workers known as Mole Men, a strange professor, a trained crow, a crusty old seaman with a hook for a hand, a room of doors, a suspicious doctor and his nurse, and, finally, the Ghost of the Black Pirate) to be a lot more fun than some of the later serials that seem cut out of the same mold. It’s entertaining as long as it stays on Treasure Island; once the action shifts to the mainland, it gets fairly dull, and I suspect that the serial was expanded to fifteen episodes at the last minute. The cliffhangers are pretty good, but they would have been better had the resolutions not been singularly lame. The story is from L. Ron Hubbard, and there is some science fiction gadgetry to augment the fantastic content beyond that of the ghost (and, if you’re like me, you just know that the latter will be debunked before its all through).

SANTO VS FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER (1972)
aka Santo vs. la hija de Frankestein
Article 2523 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 3-1-2008
Posting Date: 7-9-2008
Directed by Miguel M. Delgado
Featuring Santo, Gina Romand, Anel
Country: Mexico

The daughter of Frankenstein kidnaps Santo’s girlfriend in the hopes of luring the wrestler to her lair. There she plans to use his blood to improve her serum for eternal youth.

Hey, this movie reveals that Santo actually has a superpower; his blood contains a chemical that causes super healing abilities. That explains why he can take a licking and keep on ticking in the wrestling ring. It also explains why the Daughter of Frankenstein, (who has a serum that can return youth to the old, a legion of minions (all old men kept loyal by the threat of having their serum withheld), and two monsters to help battle wrestlers that show up) wants to capture him; apparently, she’s becoming immune to her own serum and needs his blood to freshen things up a bit. What emerges is the type of plot I call the “Capture-Go-Round”; almost all of the movie is about people being captured, escaping, being recaptured, escaping again, etc. etc. Obviously, this is one Santo movie that doesn’t stint on the fantastic elements. It also has a bit of obsession with gouging out visual organs, for those keeping their eyes open for movies like this. One monster here looks a lot like the one from NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, the other is a variation on the basic Frankenstein monster. Lots of wrestling and Santo action, and it’s in color, too. You probably already know whether you’ll like this one or not.

SAMSON AND THE MIGHTY CHALLENGE (1964)
aka Ercole, Sansone, Maciste e Ursus gli invincibili
Article 2519 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 2-26-2008
Posting Date: 7-5-2008
Directed by Giorgio Capitani
Featuring Sergio Ciani, Howard Ross, Nadir Moretti
Country: Spain, Italy, France

Hercules wishes to marry Omphale, the daughter of the Queen of Lydia. However, the daughter, who is in love with a man from one of the mountain tribes, does not wish to marry Hercules. A plot is hatched to convince Hercules that he can only marry Omphale if he defeats the mightiest man on Earth, Samson.

The opening scene of this movie has Zeus hurling thunderbolts at Hercules to warn him that he has two paths to choose from – virtue and pleasure. To Zeus’s disappointment, Hercules chooses pleasure, as it leads to the land of Lydia, which is reported to be full of beautiful women. Zeus tells him not call on him for help if he should get into trouble, and Hercules assures him that he will not need his father’s help with the women. This singularly unheroic Hercules is your first clue that this is not your ordinary sword-and-sandal flick (the first clue was that the theme over the titles is is decidedly eccentric). Yes, what we have here is that rarity; this movie, like COLOSSUS AND THE AMAZONS and HERCULES VS MACISTE IN THE VALE OF WOE, is a sword-and-sandal comedy. Hercules is a lady-killer who still fails to impress the princess even after saving her life and making sure she knows he’s a demigod. Samson is a henpecked husband, married to a jealous Delilah; when he decides to go off to Lydia without her, you won’t be surprised by her course of action. Ursus is an ill-tempered bully who beats up on everyone and won’t pay for his meals. That leaves Maciste as the only remotely heroic muscleman here, and he’s such a goody-two-shoes he not only saves a beleaguered family from Ursus, but he helps repair all their wrecked furniture as well. Throw in an evil queen that will remind you of Madeline Khan and a mischievous dwarf who pretends to be the voice of Zeus, and you have a fairly amusing spoof of the whole sword-and-sandal genre. It’s sitting with an extremely low rating on IMDB, but I’ll openly admit that I was highly entertained by this one, and, as far as comedies go, it’s certainly a lot better than the VALE OF WOE movie.

STRANGE IMPERSONATION (1946)
Article 2513 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 2-20-2008
Posting Date: 6-29-2008
Directed by Anthony Mann
Featuring Brenda Marshall, William Gargan, Hillary Brooke
Country: USA

A woman scientist is disfigured from an explosion caused by a jealous co-worker, who schemes to steal the man she loves from her. When the female scientist is mistakenly believed to be dead, she takes on the identity of the woman who actually died, and gets plastic surgery to fix her face. She then sets out to get the man she loves back.

Sometimes an overfamiliarity with film conventions can hoodwink your enjoyment of a movie. About fifteen minutes into this movie a certain screen convention occurs to indicate a certain thing has happened, and because I recognized the convention for what it was, I knew how the movie was going to end. Yes, I’m begin vague about the convention, but that’s because I don’t want to give it away for someone who might not have seen the movie and wants to give it a chance. In some ways, knowing how it was going to end didn’t ruin things for me; if anything, it did help me to not be bothered by the fact that the story was a bit far-fetched. It was well directed by Anthony Mann, who I know primarily from having directed some very interesting westerns during the fifties. It also has a nice noirish atmosphere at times, and ultimately my biggest problem with the movie is it occasionally hits a false, clunky note in the dialogue. The movie also features H.B. Warner and Lyle Talbot, but, for me, the most interesting credit was for producer William Wilder, who is better know to me as W. Lee Wilder, the director of several low-budget science fiction movies from the fifties. The fantastic content is light here; there may be a slight nudge into science fiction courtesy of the experiments with anaesthetics, and there is a touch of horror to the plot element of the disfigured face.

SAMSON AND THE SEA BEAST (1963)
aka Sansone contro i pirati
Article 2494 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 2-1-2008
Posting Date: 6-10-2008
Directed by Tanio Boccia
Featuring Kirk Morris, Margaret Lee, Daniele Vargas
Country: Italy

Samson does battle with a pirate who has been kidnapping women and selling them on the slave market.

Sword-and-Sandal stalwart Samson doing battle with a Sea Beast? Sounds like a lot of fun, doesn’t it. Unfortunately, I’m not sure who the Sea Beast is. It could be Murad, the seventeenth-century pirate mentioned in the plot summary above (thereby rendering the term “sea beast” into metaphorical terms and stripping the movie of its most promising fantastic content other than Samson’s considerable strength). Or it could be that crocodile that Samson does battle with in the last reel. Yes, on the surface, that sounds like an improvement, but just wait till you get a look at this crocodile; I’ve never seen a more blatant example of a truly lifeless inanimate object passing itself off as a real-life beastie in my life – even the stuffed tiger in FORBIDDEN JUNGLE would be embarrassed to go up against this one.

So let’s now move on to the obvious question that you know I’m going to ask (we’ve been here before, you know) – Just what is Biblical hero Samson doing battling seventeenth century pirates? He can’t use the excuse that he’s that time-traveler Maciste in disguise; the Italian title clearly says “Sansone”. I’m guessing that Maciste makes a few bucks on the side renting his time machine to other muscle-bound heroes. I’m also guessing he was smart enough to avoid this one; this spiritless Sword-and-Sandal swashbuckler is one of the duller ones out there, and it manages somehow to regurgitate the usual cliches of the genre. The only differences are that there is more swordfighting and we get fireworks instead of liturgical dance. Even by Sword-and-Sandal standards, this one is weak.

THE SKELETON DANCE (1929)
Animated Short
Article 2487 by Dave Sindelar
Viewing Date: 1-25-2008
Posting Date: 6-3-2008
Directed by Walt Disney
No cast
Country: USA

Skeletons dance in a graveyard.

How about that – this is the fourth movie in a row in which not a word of English is spoken. All right, this one doesn’t count – it has no dialogue at all. It’s one of Disney’s Silly Symphonies and features animation from Ub Iwerks. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard that it was the very first one of the series. There’s no plot to speak of; it’s just a series of dancing skeleton gags. It’s very amusing, though; I’m especially fond of the strange creature the four skeletons merge into at the end of the movie. This makes a fine addition as an opening short to any night of classic horror viewing.