HERCULES (1983)
Article 5398 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 3-18-2017
Directed by Luigi Cozzi
Featuring Lou Ferrigno, Brad Harris, Sybil Danning
Country: Italy / USA
What it is: Sham Sword and Sandal

Hercules must save Cassiopea from being sacrificed in the kingdom of Thera.

Lou (Incredible Hulk) Ferrigno may have been the draw in this movie, Sybil Danning may have provided the cheesecake, but my attention was drawn to the name of Brad Harris, whose presence was the movie’s nod to the sword and sandal movies of the sixties; Harris played Hercules in THE FURY OF HERCULES. I was initially excited about seeing this, especially when I realized that it was directed by an Italian film director under an anglicized name (Luigi Cozzi as Lewis Coates); it seemed to me that it would be a revival of those movies from twenty years earlier. So how had twenty years treated the genre? The first thing I noticed is that it was goofier and cornier. The special effects were more modern, though not necessarily any less cheesy. There’s more female flesh on display. Then, during a scene in which we see a classic sword-and-sandal battle, it occurred to me that it was stock footage from one of those earlier movies. This was when the depression began to hit me, and it only grew as the movie went on. Where were the crowds of extras? The battle scenes? Those wonderful locations? This movie felt puny, claustrophobic, setbound, and lacking in the human element that pervaded those earlier movies. There’s some campy fun to be had; I was especially amused by the sequence where we learn how the constellation of Ursa Major came about. But overall, I felt the magic was gone. This wasn’t a revival of the sword and sandal genre; it was a death knell. No, those older movies weren’t classics, but they had more soul than this.

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982)
Article 5397 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 3-17-2017
Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace
Featuring Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Dan O’Herlihy
Country: USA
What it is: Something different

When a terrified man is brutally murdered in a hospital, a doctor and the victim’s daughter try to find out what led up to the murder. There investigation takes them to the town of Santa Mira, where a Halloween mask company named Silver Shamrock has a dreadful secret…

Original director Joe Dante wanted to do something different for the series, and hired Nigel Kneale to write the script. When Tommy Lee Wallace took over as director, he and producer John Carpenter rewrote the script to simplify the story and add more violence and gore. When Nigel Kneale saw the movie, he was appalled and sued to have his name removed from the credits. I don’t blame him. In its completed form, you can still find elements that remind one of Kneale’s other work, but the murder scenes often seem gratuitous and unnecessarily brutal, and they bring the real story to a dead halt. Personally, I’d like to see an adaptation of the original script (which was reportedly comic in tone), but given that this movie didn’t do well at the box office, it’s probably not going to happen. Yet, from what I gather, the novelization of the movie did marvelously well; I wonder if it was based on the original Nigel Kneale screenplay. In its present form, I found it interesting at times, but badly flawed and sometimes rather stupid. However, if there’s one thing I’ll really remember about this movie, it’s the Silver Shamrock commercials; these may be some of the most annoying ads ever made.

HAMLET (1913)
Article 5392 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 3-12-2017
Directed by Hay Plumb
Featuring Walter Ringham, Johnston Forbes-Robertson, S.A. Cookson
Country: UK
What it was: Shakespeare without the words

A Danish prince is told by the ghost of his father to avenge his death by killing his murderer… his uncle who is now married to his mother and King of Denmark.

I’ve heard tell that a full production of the uncut text of “Hamlet” can run more than four hours. Therefore, I’d imagine a silent version of the play (which would have to eliminate a good percentage of the play’s prime ingredient – its words) could comfortably be told in fifty-three minutes, the running time of the version I watched. In fact, this version does tell the whole story at an effective pace. In fact, if the inter-titles had been a little more frequent, it might have passed muster as a version of the story that could have been viewed and enjoyed by someone who went into it without previous knowledge of the original play. However, as it is, it’s another example of a silent adaptation that is best enjoyed by someone already familiar with the original; if you do, you’ll know what’s going on (and its significance) in certain scenes which would leave the more casual viewer in the dust. My guess is that it’s based on a specific stage production of the work; it’s only real concessions to the fact that it’s a movie is that it uses real exterior locations and features a ghost who is indeed translucent. It is well acted, however, and I can say I enjoyed it, but then, I’m one of those who is quite familiar with the work in question. It does point out one phenomenon, though, The role of Hamlet is such a great, enticing part that it often attracts actors who are skilled and experienced enough to handle it but do not fit the role physically, which is my way of saying that Johnston Forbes- Robertson as Hamlet looks older than the cast members playing his putative parents, and indeed, he was – he was sixty whereas his parents were 37 and 41.

HUMAN BEASTS (1980)
Article 5385 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 3-5-2017
aka The Beasts’ Carnival, El carnaval de las bestias
Directed by Paul Naschy
Featuring Paul Naschy, Elko Nagashima, Lautaro Murua
Country: Spain / Japan
What it is: Horror action hodgepodge

A professional criminal is on the run from a Japanese criminal organization after making off with diamonds that he agreed to steal for them. The criminal is badly injured, but is saved by a doctor and his two daughters in their isolated country home. However, this house has some skeletons in its closet…

For a while, the only clue that we have that this is going to turn out to be a horror movie is the prominence of Paul Naschy’s name in the credits; the first third of the movie primarily plays out like an action flick. Then it plays out like a combination of one of those old “house with a dreadful secret” Gothics and THE FOLKS AT RED WOLF INN, with a smidgen of DADDY’S DEADLY DARLING thrown in for good measure. I’m not going to blatantly give away the main horror content here (though everyone else does), though the emphasis on how good the doctor’s famous “stew” is should clue you in. And since this is a Naschy film, he sleeps with most of the beautiful women in the cast. It’s a bit of a mess, though I’m not going to complain about the dangling plot points because they’re obviously there to distract us from the “surprise” ending. At least this one is a little bit different for Naschy, so that counts for something.

HOUSE HUNTING MICE (1947)
Article 5281 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 10-24-2016
Directed by Chuck Jones
Featuring the voices of Mel Blanc and Stan Freberg
Country: USA
What it is: Warner Brothers cartoon

Hubie and Bertie check out a fully automated house, but run afoul of the building’s automatic sweeper.

Here’s another cartoon that doesn’t rely solely on anthropomorphic animals for its fantastic content. Which is not to say it doesn’t have them; Hubie and Bertie are anthropomorphic mice with characters that could be described as being like Abbott and Costello filtered through the Bowery Boys. But on top of that, we have the fully-automated house, full of robots and gadgets that push it into the realm of science fiction. Warner Brothers used the automated house a few times in its cartoons, but I like some of the clever variations here, particularly the automatic phonograph. Usually Hubie and Bertie cartoons had them terrorizing a neurotic cat named Claude; here, they get there comeuppance at the hand of a robot sweeper who mistakes them for garbage. I liked this one.

HELL’S BELLS (1929)
Article 5278 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 10-21-2016
Directed by Ub Iwerks
No voice cast
Country: USA
What it is: Demonic Disney Silly Symphony

Demons play music and dance for Satan in the bowels of hell, but when he starts feeding his minions to Cerberus, he finds one who puts up a resistance.

Well, you can’t fault this one on not having enough fantastic content; the setting is hell, and all sorts of demons and monsters are on hand here. There’s only the barest smidgen of a plot, and that’s pretty much saved for the last minute of cartoon; most of it what you’d expect from cartoons of this era – characters gyrating musically. Which is not to say that it’s not fun in a Halloween sort of way; it is. It’s not the best of the various horror-oriented cartoons out there, but it’s entertaining enough, and among the various musical pieces is a version of “Funeral March of a Marionette”, remembered as Alfred Hitchcock’s theme music.

HELL-BENT FOR ELECTION (1944)
Article 5244 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 9-6-2016
Directed by Chuck Jones
Voice cast unknown
Country: USA
What it is: Animated propaganda

If railroad man Joe Worker wants his shipment of War Materials to be used, he will need to load them on FDR’s train, The Win-The-War Special. But there’s only one track forward, and the train, The Defeatist Limited, is doing everything in its power to reach it first. If Joe votes at the railway switch, he can make sure the cargo reaches the right train; however, he is assaulted by a politician intent on lulling him into a slumber so he won’t vote.

Chuck Jones took a break from his Warner Brothers and Private Snafu cartoons to make this pro-Roosevelt propaganda piece for the 1944 election. As a whole, the piece is an allegorical fantasy, but it’s primary fantastic content is the portrayal of an anthropomorphized train “The Defeatist Limited”, a black-smoke-belching old train that looks antiquated next to the sleek Diesel engine of the one representing FDR. The Chuck Jones style is most noticeable in the portrayal of the politician, who splits into two people at one point and even transforms into Hitler at another. Though some of the political details of the cartoon are a bit obscure anymore, much of it is still relevant, but like all propaganda, it needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

HULA-LA-LA (1951)
Article 5238 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 8-27-2016
Directed by Hugh McCollum
Featuring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Shemp Howard
Country: USA
What it is: Three Stooges short

Three dim-witted choreographers for a movie studio are sent out to a tropical island to teach the natives to dance. However, when they get there, they discover the natives are headhunters…

It’s been quite a while since a Three Stooges short popped up on my hunt list. To my mind, this isn’t one of their better ones; it drags a bit and feels a little tired, though it does have some good moments. The fact that the natives are headhunters adds a bit of horror content, but the most striking fantastic content in the movie is a four armed statue that comes to life. It’s not particularly convincing (it’s obviously a real person), but it does come into play during the funniest scene in the movie, where it gives both Moe and Larry a taste of their own medicine. For the record, of the Stooges, Shemp seems to be not only the best dancer, but the most beautiful of the Stooges… at least, according to the tribe’s medicine man.

HOW A MOSQUITO OPERATES (1912)
Article 5237 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 8-25-2016
Directed by Winsor McCay
No cast
Country: USA
What it is: Sheer unadulterated horror

A man is followed home one night by an inhuman creature that seeks to drink his blood while he sleeps.

Okay, so it’s a comic animated short by the guy who gave us GERTIE THE DINOSAUR. And, with his top hat and little antics (such as sharpening his stinger), there’s no doubt that he’s played for comedy. But don’t let all that fool you – this is a horror movie. For one thing, take a good look at the size of this mosquito. Also take note of the fact that the movie does not flinch from actually showing the creature drinking the blood of its victim. And also check out the bloody conclusion. Even if you try to take it as a comedy, you’ll have to admit that this one gives you the heebie-jeebies. Not for the faint of heart.

HOLIDAY LAND (1934)
Article 5236 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 8-23-2016
Director unknown
Voice cast unknown
Country: USA
What it is: Animated holiday whimsy

A young boy, not wishing to get up and go to school, wishes that every day was a holiday. The wind blows the pages of his calendar on the floor, and from the holidays emerge characters to help him celebrate.

This is an early Columbia cartoon, long before they were the home of UPA, so it’s hardly from their greatest era. Scrappy was one of their regular characters, and he’s a fairly generic little boy character , and though he was featured in a lot of shorts, he’s not well remembered today. This particular piece of whimsy is something of animated counterpart to the movie HOLIDAY INN, in that it celebrates several of them (Christmas, New Year’s, Easter and Thanksgiving) rather than any one of them. There’s lots of singing and music, a few stabs at humor, and all in all, it’s pretty much what I’d expect from a minor animation studio at this period in time; it’s pretty routine.