HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS (1988)
Article 4572 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 7-4-2014
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Featuring Gunnar Hansen, Linnea Quigley, Jay Richardson
Country: USA
What it is: Gore exploitation comedy

A detective looking for a missing girl stumbles upon a cult of chainsaw-worshipping hookers who dismember their clients.

When I knew I was going to be watching the movie, I found myself speculating what I was going to say about it before I even watched it. I shouldn’t have wasted my time; if there’s one thing I learned tonight, it’s that it’s best to not worry about the review until you’ve actually seen the movie; you’ll know what to say when the time comes. The title seems to promise lots of gore, some outrageous comedy, and a fair amount of exploitation (read: nudity). As for the gore, it’s nowhere near as extreme as the title would lead you to believe. I was tempted to blame this on the lack of financial wherewithal to pull it off, but that didn’t stop Herschell Gordon Lewis, so I’m going to attribute it to not being the primary area of concern to the filmmakers. As for the outrageous comedy, let’s just say that just because the subject matter is so exploitative, that doesn’t change the fact that the comedy is mostly just lame; still, the movie did get one laugh from me when I heard the answering machine message for the homicide division. So let’s just settle in and point out that the movie’s main appeal will be for those in it for the nudity, of which there is plenty. In short, the movie’s lame, but those drawn to it by its title will probably be more or less satisfied; for those of us not drawn to the title, there’s no reason to check out this one.

HUNTER (1973)
Article 4571 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 7-3-2014
Directed by Leonard Horn
Featuring John Vernon, Steve Ihnat, Sabrina Scharf
Country: USA
What it is: Spy movie

A special agent who works by taking on the personas of other people takes on the personality of a security agent for a top secret project who may have been brainwashed into killing an associate.

Back when I covered THE WIZARD OF OZ, I ended my review by noting my affection for the scariness of the flying monkey sequence of that movie. It’s fascinating to find that that sequence plays a pivotal role in the story of this movie; part of the brainwashing technique involves the use of several characters and ideas from that movie, with the flying monkeys being the most prominent. This movie sat on the shelf for two years before being released, and I can’t help but wonder if it was intended as a series pilot. In truth, I found the story here to be fun and clever enough that I almost wish that it had made the transition to a series, especially if it retained the decent writing and the bizarre plot elements. Unfortunately, I don’t think the premise of having the hero taking on the personalities of other people would have worked as a regular feature, so maybe it’s just as well. At any rate, this one is solid, and features fine performances by John Vernon, Steve Ihnat, and Fritz Weaver. This is one that ended up on my “ones that got away” list, but someone pointed my way towards a copy, and so it finally makes it here.

HOUSE OF THE LIVING DEAD (1974)
Article 4546 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 5-28-2014
Directed by Ray Austin
Featuring Mark Burns, Shirley Anne Field, David Oxley
Country: South Africa
What it is: Strange family doings

A woman comes to the South African plantation of her fiance, and finds herself dealing with witchcraft, hostility, murder, and a mysterious recluse brother who is doing strange experiments.

There are elements of interest in this movie, not least of which is its setting on a South African plantation. There’s also some plot elements that are a little on the offbeat side. Unfortunately, the problems overwhelm the movie. The mixture of witchcraft and mad science never quite gels. Much of the movie is a compendium of cliches of the “mysterious mad family in a decaying mansion” subgenre. The movie often tries to milk fear from things that just don’t scare; neither an old woman looking through a window or glowering looks from a series of paintings are the stuff of horror. But worst of all, the movie is turgidly paced and very dull for most of its running time; there’s something very depressing about a movie that almost makes you lose interest completely due to its endless opening credit sequence, for example. When you get right down to it, the interesting elements aren’t enough to compensate for the general dullness of this entry.

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (1976)
TV-Movie
Article 4510 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 4-20-2014
Directed by Alan Cooke
Featuring Kenneth Haigh, Warren Clarke, Michelle Newel
Country: UK
What it is: Literary adaptation

An orphan hunchback, adopted and cared for by an archdeacon, becomes embroiled in the life of a gypsy girl when his master becomes obsessed with her.

The 1939 version of this story is one of my favorite movies, and the only other version of it that I’d bother to see again is the 1923 version with Lon Chaney. This one is much closer to the original story, but it’s been many years since I read the novel. If anything, this version makes me want to go back and reread it, if for no other reason than to find out if I would end up disliking most of the characters in the same way I do from this version. I don’t expect to like the character of Frollo (he is the real villain of the piece), but I don’t recall disliking Esmeralda in the other versions I’ve seen as I do here; in this one, she comes off ultimately as a stupid, ungrateful fool. I suspect the culprit of this one is the script; there’s too many times where the characters seem obvious and one-dimensional, and there were too many times where I wished the characters would shut up and express their feelings with more subtlety. I wasn’t particularly impressed by any of the performances, for that matter, but I’m not sure that the script as written gave any real opportunities. And, quite frankly, I’m never going to be quite satisfied with any version of the story where the crowds of Paris are represented by a group of about twenty extras. In short, I didn’t care for this one.

THE HAUNTING OF M. (1979)
Article 4507 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 4-17-2014
Directed by Anna Thomas
Featuring Sheelagh Gilbey, Nini Pitt, Evie Garratt
Country: USA
What it is: Ghost story

In 1906, when a photograph is taken at a party at the home of a genteel family, a mysterious presence who was not there appears in it. Shortly after this, the family’s dowager aunt falls ill, and the younger daughter begins acting strangely. Can the older daughter discover the secret of the photograph, and solve the family mystery?

Outside of the fact that certain aspects of this ghost story are left open-ended, there’s really not a whole lot to the story that I haven’t encountered before. However, the flavor of the movie is its main distinction; it’s staged and directed as a deliberately-paced period piece; in a sense, it can be described as having been done in the style of THE INNOCENTS. There’s not a whole lot in the way of overt scares; the movie is mostly interested in carefully doling out the details of the family secret while keeping it in pace with the the way the haunting manifests itself. In the end, I quite like it; its emphasis on character and subtlety are quite refreshing, and it managed to hold my interest throughout. However, many horror fans may well find the style of the movie to be quite boring, so whether you respond to it at all will probably depend on your patience for and appreciation of deliberately-paced period pieces.

THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND (1981)
TV-Movie
Article 4506 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 4-16-2014
Directed by Peter Baldwin
Featuring Bob Denver, Alan Hale Jr., Jim Backus
Country: USA
What it is: You don’t know?

An evil scientist plans to get possession of the island in order to corner the market on a rare mineral only to be found there. Can the castaways keep from getting bilked by him? And can the Harlem Globetrotters come to their rescue?

I was of the generation that grew up watching reruns of “Gilligan’s Island” in syndication, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve seen every episode of the series at one time or another. And, yes, I have a soft spot in my heart for the show. But I don’t have any illusions about the quality of the show; it was what it was, a compendium of dumb silliness. This revival of the show is pretty bad, but I can’t really call it disappointing; it’s as dumb and silly as the original show (so I can’t call it a betrayal of any sort), but an aging cast, a loss of freshness, and the stretching of something that worked better in thirty-minute doses to feature length are the biggest culprits here. There is, however, plenty of fantastic content, what with the super energy fuel and the presence of several robots in the storyline. The saddest thing about his is that Jim Backus is barely in it; he was ill at the time of its making and could only do a cameo at the end of the movie. I can’t recommend it, but I can’t hate it, either; it is what it is.

HOUSE OF BLOOD (1973)
aka House of Terror
Article 4445 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-9-2014
Directed by Sergei Goncharoff
Featuring Jennifer Bishop, Arell Blanton, Mitchell Gregg
Country: USA
What it is: Twisty thriller wannabe

A nurse takes on a job of caring for a rich man’s bad-tempered wife. She is talked by her ex-con boyfriend into taking part in a plot to get the man’s fortune.

There’s a few horrific moments here (the pre-credits murders, a bloody suicide, etc.) and a pointless subplot that hints at the existence of a ghost that add the blood and terror to this one, and if they’re the highlights of the movie, that’s mostly because the rest of the movie isn’t giving it much competition. I suspect that this movie was trying for a DIABOLIQUE-style thriller; if so, then it makes a huge mistake by giving us all of the character and relationship alignments ahead of time so that no real plot twists ever take place; all you’re really watching for is to see if the various plans of the characters work out. To give an example of the bad plotting, the scene that is supposed to imply that the ghost of a dead person has appeared occurs after the movie has established that there is another character that looks almost identical to the dead person on the premises. At heart, the only thing that remains a mystery throughout the movie is who was responsible for the opening murders, and that’s hardly a challenging mystery to figure out. Most of the cast seems to have a fair amount of acting experience, but the performances are uniformly weak and awkward throughout the movie as well. Throw in the lethargic pace, and you have a movie that really cannot be recommended to anyone.

THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES (1972)
TV-Movie
Article 4443 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-7-2014
Directed by Barry Crane
Featuring Stewart Granger, Bernard Fox, William Shatner
Country: USA
What it is: Sherlock Holmes story

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are called in to investigate the mysterious death of the former owner of Baskerville hall, and threats being made against the new Sir Baskerville moving in.

This is an average but fairly entertaining version of the Doyle novel, and though it does take some liberties with the story, it is more or less faithful to the source. According to IMDB, it was an unsold TV pilot, and I am rather curious as to what the series would have been like if it had sold; given that the pilot used one of Doyle’s original works, I wonder if the series would have followed suit or tried to come up with stories on their own. From the user comments on IMDB, a lot of people really dislike this version, and I will admit that Stewart Granger doesn’t quite seem the right choice for Holmes. Bernard Fox fares somewhat better as Watson, though he does channel a little bit of Nigel Bruce in his portrayal. Some of the sets are very unconvincing, especially the ones that take place on the moor. Nevertheless, I found myself adequately entertained by this one, though it’s certainly far from the best version of the story.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II (1984)
Article 4442 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-6-2014
Directed by Wes Craven
Featuring Tamara Stafford, Kevin Spirtas, John Bloom
Country: UK / USA
What it is: Horror sequel

A group of young people go out in the desert to take part in a bike race. They get stranded and find themselves threatened by mutant maniacs.

I’m not a big fan of the original movie, but at least it generated a certain degree of dread and suspense, and it did a number of things very right. I can’t say the same about this one. For one thing, it manages to make me not care about the fates of all of the characters so quickly that it almost made my head swim. It also throws in stupid fake scares and some truly awful comic relief (the original had none of the latter). It pretty much follows the slasher playbook, and it fails to generate an iota of suspense; even Michael Berryman doesn’t do much for me here. Director and writer Wes Craven seems to be only going through the motions here, and the result is just dismal.

HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO (1977)
Article 4440 by Dave Sindelar
Date: 2-4-2014
Directed by Vincent McEveety
Featuring Dean Jones, Don Knotts, Julie Sommars
Country: USA
What it is: Herbie the Love Bug movie

Herbie is pulled out of retirement to try to make a comeback by winning the race at Monte Carlo. However, Herbie has fallen in love with another car also in the race. Furthermore, jewel thieves have hidden a precious gem in Herbie’s gas tank, and will stop at nothing to get it back.

I really liked the first movie in the series, THE LOVE BUG. The immediate sequel, HERBIE RIDES AGAIN, was a step down, but it had its moments. This entry in the series is a real step down; the story is uninspired, the script is weak, and there was a certain lunatic creativity at work in the first two movies that is completely missing here. The main plot gimmick here has Herbie falling in love with another car, but this concept gets tiresome very quickly. I like Don Knotts, but in order for him to shine, he needs a character with more dimension than he’s really given here; in fact, I don’t think he was particularly well used in his Disney movies. Still, I do admire the stunt work, and I do admire how sometimes there will be some good attention to detail. One particular moment of the movie gives a good illustration of this. There’s a scene where Herbie drives backwards a long way on a narrow dirt road, and I found myself wondering whether it might have been footage of the car moving forward in reverse, which I’m sure would have been easier to do. However, I noticed that the way the dust rose from the car in motion clearly showed that no such trick was used, and I do like that someone cared enough to do it the hard way. Nevertheless, this is overall a fairly disappointing movie, and if the IMDB ratings are to be trusted, the series would sink even lower with the next entry.